Full moon night. -J.

I'm writing with no aim, because I can't find a way to close my eyes and sleep.

Tomorow, I'll regret to haven't forced myself to sleep. I will be stone. Without being on anything. Maybe that's good. Being stone. Being half here, and half there. My parallel world in which I am the dance controller, in which things go as I want. That's a way better life, far from this one. Far from the real. Far from everyting and everyone I know.
I don't wanna sleep tonight because I'm affraid. I'm affraid I will never be the girl I wanted to be. In my mind, I could perfectly see myself with a perfect life... I could. And now, I'm supposed to live it, and there's nothing. I'm the girl affraid to face reality. Even if I act like the girl who has everything under control. That's a decoy. I always refused to appear weak. When people have dubts, I use to make them believe there are no reason to dubt, even if I dubt more than they do. I always wanted to be protective, don't want people to see my weaknesses, being the rude one, the girl who can't be hurt.
I will probably regret saying all that. I guess that faking you're super strong makes you be just strong, right? I'm not weak. But I'm not strong. I'm just a girl. Maybe a proud one.

I used to control my life much more than I do know. I used to handle everything. I was the leader of my life. Now I feel like I'm leaded. I hate it. I hate orders. I hate authority. I hate everything that can stop me from doing and being what I want to. And actually a lot is stopping me. My parents, school, and some persons... I don't know what I can do. The first thing that comes to my mind is to runaway. I don't think living under bridges would be a solution. To be a great absconder, you should better have a great bank account, or you would be a dirty absconder with greasy hair, dirty shoes and a smell that even you wouldn't bear. Another solution is a solution that I can't mentioned here, even as a joke it sounds morbid, and that's absolutely not a solution for this kind of case... or any else.
I don't have anything else. I can't find another way to avoid all the things that are making me feel insecure, not free and not me.
I do have a solution. And I'm not alone in this. There's Nano, the one who will always find the good words. But two years is long. Too long when you think that it will be two years of living the things we hate the most, the things that prevent us to live our dream.

I was born in the wrong place, and - even if I love them and that it hurts me to say it - in the wrong family. I love them, I respect them, and I'm very thanksful for what they've made of me - I think I'm someone with good values, someone that respect people and that deserve respect - but it's difficult to live everyday with people who are really different from you. Not that differences aren't good. They're great. But in a family, when a child has to be under his parents' authority and they these are too much different from the child, it's difficult. My family calls me Rebel. I'm the Wild Child, I fight authority. But my parents always taught me that when you can't live alone because you don't earn your own money, that you need people to live, dress, eat and sleep, these persons deserve all your respect and you must live under their rules. They aren't wrong in the absolut. So I have to be under they rules, because I owe them everything. And this, even if I'm turning 20 next year.
This makes me a little less free. I'm like a wild bird who was captured and put in a zoo. I'm not really happy, I'm not as free as I would like to be, I'm not flying as high as I can, but people are caring me, feeding me. You can't hate people who act for your good, even if they are acting wrong.
So what am I supposed to do? The solution seems easy. Leave. But to leave, I must find a work, earn a lot of money and go. I can't work while being at school.

Leave. Leave everything behind. I don't care. Missing is a feeling I can easily handle. I would miss my family, yes. I'll miss my friends, too. But it won't stop me. Nothing would stop me. Never.
I won't think about people. They won't wait for me to live things. I won't wait for them either. If you don't think about you, about your good, no one will. If I have to go, I will. The goodbye will be temporary, or definitive, I don't mind. Make your decision be more important than everything else.
You have nothing to lose because nothing is permanent.

Tomorrow... or in a few hours, it will be another day. A brand new one. I will be tired. I will probably do wrong things. But everybody makes mistakes. I haven't done a lot of mistakes in my life, I think. Everything wrong pace I made had took me to another place that was good, new and rewarding. Last year, I thought I had took myself to the wrong place going to college, but I met fabulous people that made me believe that I could make friends thanks to me, and only me, being just me, not someone's friend. Just me, myself. The silly me, the funny me, the me that was appreciated by others. It wasn't something wrong.
Maybe now, I can make mistakes, do crazy stuffs, prohibited stuffs, dangerous stuff. What can I lose? Nothing. Everything is to win.
Tonight, if I hadn't wrote this entry and if I was a little more brave, I would have took my phone and tape a message that would have sent me to troubles. I'm not outta this yet. I still have my phone nearly here. I still have some contacts that can make me spent time thinking about imaginary stuffs, being high, really high. But that would be against my values, against what my Dad wanted me to be.
Once, he said he would prefer to see me pregnant now than on drugs. I won't get pregnant, and so I won't do anything stupid to earn it easy.
The hour has something to do with what I'm writing, the gramatical and syntactical mistakes I'm making. I'm sorry. It's now 2:36 AM. I will try to sleep. Tomorrow... well, who knows, maybe the sky will fall, maybe I'll receive a call saying that I'm the lucky girl who won who knows which travel from who knows which game I haven't played. Maybe just tomorrow will be another normal day. I prefer normal days than disastrous days... If I could only choose, tomorrow, when I'll wake up, it would be 8 AM, early for someone who went to bed at almost 3, but I will wake up to go to set. Drive my car from a not glamourous inner city of L.A to a cool studio in Hollywood and start what will become the brand new hit serie, staring Nano and I.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe I could chose bringing myself what I really want?!

Good night. Sorry for the messy post.
It's 2:43AM. I'm going to sleep. I hope.

Mucho amor
xxx
—J

Somebody that I used to know... —J.

Crazy song by Gotye. I love this song, it's so peaceful and at the same time full of meaning. Today I chose this song because of the title more than because of the main lyrics that are more about a relationship. I just gonna say some things I'm not really happy about those times... You know, like when you feel someone you love going a little bit further everytime... Just like that.

So those time, I feel like my best friend (not Nano, the other one I already talk about once) is changing a little. I love her. She's cool and fun. But since a while I feel like she's becoming really superficial. And I guess I already said before, it's because of a guy she met last year whe  she repeated class. They became friends. But even if this guy seems nice, he is so superficial. He only cares about appearances, about showing what he has. He told my friend that if she hadn't been good looking and rich, he would probably not be her friend. And I ask her, she told me that if he wasn't cute, well dressed and rich, she won't be his friend either. WHAT IS THAT? Since when friendship is about bank accounts and what's in you wardrobe? I mean I never heard something that stupid. That kiddish. That insane. Only jerks can think like this. I don't care if my friend has a spot, a top that is not "fashion" (and guys, fashion means nothing, you can wear "fashion" things, but if you haven't a style, a personnality, if you're not someone, you could dress Dior and look like a dog). A friend is about sharing, giving and receiving, but not material things, it's all about experiences, life and love. Does it mean that the poor can't have friends because he wears old clothes? It's stupid and totally unchic.
That's why I use to think that "poor" people have more values than riches.
My best friend has money... But I don't think she has great values. For her, family means nothing. I'm sorry, but if you have friends (plus, if they are like the guy she sees) and no family, you're really poor. A Life without family is uncomplete. And a life without friend is uncomplete too. You need both. But don't make a choice. Learn to keep both and you'll be happy. 

Lately, she told me "my neighbour is sad, poor him, he can't buy expansive clothes because he's growing up too fast. What a pity". Poor him because he is growing up too fast or because he thinks that expansive clothes mean that you're better dressed than others? If it's the second, yes poor him, because he is becoming someone really stupid. Seriously! I can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I'm so mad when I hear those kind of stupidities!
And then when they see a hobo in the street it's : or they say "ooohh poor him" or they turn their heads. I can understand, it's hard to face misery when you can spend €70 in a teeshirt made in china that you could have buy 15 in a "normal" store (that you refuse to visit because it is soooooo cheap, jerk!). I can't even face misery myself because sometime, I feel giulty when I have bought a 15euros tee shirt, or a 5euros ring.
I'm sorry, but I can't help myself. I can't bear superficial people. And I love my best friend, but she is becoming more and more like this! Yesterday it was because of her hair. She doesn't want to be called the brown haired girl" (her hair is brown really really clear... almost dark blond) she want to be called "the blond girl", so she has to change her hair color (OMG!!!! What a drama to be called brown haired when you actually have brown hair!). And that's all because the guy who has a bad bad influence on her said that he loved blonds....
The worst : they are travelling the only two of them by the end of the year. They're not dating, but she is in love with him, so she accepted to dump her usually beloving friends to spend New year Eve with him. We will all agree when you celebrate new year, you can't do it with just one another person. She dumped everyone to be with him.
Anyways, I'm sorry I so mad at her. She has a sweet life, has anything she wants to be happy, and she is becoming a so superficial girl. I love her, I don't want her to become the kind of person I hate.
She is obviously always complaining.
Anyways. I'm so mad I can't go on. Lately there is too much to say about things she is doing wrong. I'm not a perfect girl, I know it. But even if I changed, I'll always respect the things my parents learn me : what matters is what's within ; money don't bring good (and I learn by myself that it brings stupidity) ; love your family and friends ; never forget from where you come.
And I guess everyone should remember that, anytime of the day, and more when they meet people. You can't chose your family, but you do chose your friends, so chose them well, and not by their money of the brands they are wearing, but about what they have to learn to you, what they will bring you in the way of seeing things. Don't let them change you if it's not to become better. 

I'm sorry. I just had to free myself. I'm not totally done. But it's enough for today.

Honey, I'm sorry for what I said, I'm just affraid you're escaping me, you're changing for bad. Trust me and care your relations... Love you.

Thanks if you read.
Mucho amor. 

-J.

Beautiful Christmas — J. (English and Spanish)

 ► PLAY

English:

Beautiful Christmas, one of my favorite song by Big Time Rush. I don't wait Christmas Advent to listen to this song! I love Christmas spirit and this song make me feel so great and so happy. It's like my D vitamine cure. Play it during the post, I'm sure you'll feel it too!

I had to write a mini-post about Christmas, one of my favorite time of the year. Not because of the gifts. For me Christmas is the moment when you receive your family in a lovely decorated house. Everything's red, green, gold and white. The moment when everything looks pretty and almost perfect. Kids are quiet and impatient, they wait innocently for Santa. Christmas is the period when you can enjoy to do stuffs that you usually don't like. You're happy. You smile. You wanna give people something, not material, something true. A smile. Help. You just feel good and you wish everyone could feel like you. Even if it's cold, Christmas makes us think it worth it. Once you're nice with someone, this person will want to give back, and if it happens, the while world is great, happy, and beautiful. Christmas is also the moment you think everything is possible (like what I said before, about the whole world happy), because Christmas has this magical thing you can't explain.
Anyways, Christmas is a lovely time. The preparation of the house, the Christmas beautiful tree, the lights, the big sweater and socks...
Everything beautiful and magic.
I wish you guys an awesome Christmas!
Tons of kisses, lovelies.

Español :

Beautiful Christmas, una de mis canciones preferidas de Big Time Rush. ¡No espero Navidad para escucharla! Adoro el espiritú Navideño y esta canción me hace sentir bien y feliz. Es un poco como una cura de vitamina D. Escuchala mientras lees el post, ¡estoy segura de que también lo iras sintiendo!

Tenía que escribir un mini-post sobre Navidad, uno de mis momentos preferidos del año. No por causa de los regalitos. Para mi, Navidad es el momento en el que recibes tu familía en una casita bien decorada.  Todo esta rojom verde, dorado y blanco. El momento en el qué todo está precioso y casi perfecto. Los niños son calmos e impacientes, esperan inocentes al Papa Noel. Navidad es el periodo en el cual puedes disfrutar hacer cosas que sueles no gustar. Estas feliz. Sonries. Quieres dar algo a la gente, no algo material, algo de verdad. Una sonrisa. Ayuda. Te sientes bien y deseas que toda la gente se sienta como tú te sientes. Aunque haga frío, Navidad te hace pensar que se lo merece todo. Una vez que fuiste simpatic@ con alguien, esta persona tendrá ganas de darle otra vez, y si ocurre, el mundo entero se queda bien, feliz y precioso. Navidad tambien es el momento cuando piensas que todo es posible (como lo que dije justo antes, sobre el mundo entero feliz), porque Navidad tiene esta cosa magica que no puedes explicar.
En fin, Navidad es un momento divino. La preparación de la casa, el magnifico arból Navideño, las lucecitas, las enormes sudaderas y medias...
Todo precioso y magico.
¡Os deseo a tod@s unas hermosas fiestas Navideñas!
Muchisimos besos, bonitos.
Moltíssims petons, bonics.

INEVITABLE | by Jess

Inevitable, is a song by the amazing Shakira. Shakira is an artist I admire since her debuts. I was young but she always represented to me the woman I wish I could become... Unfortunately, it didn't came true, but I don't lose faith! So Inevitable is a old song, from one of her very first albums. I love this song because it's simple, sweet and spicy at the same time. I let you the song in Spanish and in English, and the most important of the song, traduced in English (by me). The song is way more beautiful in Spanish ;).

English:    Inevitable (English Version) by ShakiraMega

Spanish :  

"... The sky is already tired to see the rain fall
And everyday just seems so like yesterday.
I can't find any way to forget about you because,

still loving you is inevitable.
...
You don't have to say it, 

You're not coming back,

I know you by heart.
And I'll find what to do with me.

The sky is already tired to see the rain fall
And everyday just seems so like yesterday.
I can't find any way to forget about you because,still loving you is inevitable."

I think I won't stop loving Spanish and have this intern fight with myself about what do I love most : Spanish or English? I will never answer the question. So here I found a good think to avoid the choice. I guess I'm good about avoiding. 

Maybe I choose a Spanish song because lately, a lot of things remembered me my summer trip to Spain. Things like the coldness that made me want so bad to go somewhere cool and warm. I don't have any other places that came to my mind. I miss this summer so bad.
Lot of things reminded me him, too. Things like his name that I see absolutely everywhere. The name of his country, that is everywhere, too, and that it used to be an unknown country, here, in France. I'm lost. I thought I was finally over, because seriously I was. I could spent more than 3 days without thinking about him. But lately, it's like everything wants me to remind him. Like if it was forbidden to forget about him. If it's possible, of course. You can't forget those eyes. They were like no one else's. Unique. Amazingly beautiful. Incredibles. And his cute smile. See! These are all the things that come to my mind everyday, now. Everytime I'm cold I think about it. About him. It warms my heart, my belly, my full body. Everytime I have a "empty" time, a moment I'm dreaming at school, these thoughts come to me. And then, I have this stomach ache, just like if I wanted to threw up. But no this pleasant thing like when you're in love. This hard thing, the same when you're really sick. It's not pleasant. Remembering him is painful, actually.
I still feel like Bella, in New Moon, when she's hanging out with Jacob to try to forget about Edward, but his memory always come back and hit her, hard. It's just like this, unless that I'm not Bella, and he is not my Edward. He didn't left me to protect me. We left eachother to... We didn't left eachother because we have never really been together... What a story! I'm stuck on such a holy shit! 

It's incredible how something can be that stuck on you. It's like it will never leave me. Be on me, like torturing me forever. I know time will help. I wish.
I'm a fool, but I keep on hoping that if I can't forget about him, there is a reason. Maybe I'll see him again. I know, it's crazy! But what?!
It's crazy, because I'm thinking, and I don't even really know him. I know he is cute, because it's a fact. He is sweet and wild. He cooks. He loves music. I know what kind of studies he did. But I don't know a lot about his past, how does he see his future. Friends actually use to know them much more.
He cooks... That makes me remember that like yesterday I was in my kitchen, and then I had this flash, I was back in my hotel in Spain and he entered in the communitarian kitchen. He was here, and then my mom talked and I was back in my kitchen. He wasn't here anymore, and my stomach ache started again. Don't think I'm serious writing those lines... I am. But I am also laughing at myself, saying "Gosh, how can you even dare to write such stupid things?! Do you realize you're fool, stupid, kiddish and look like a total freak and sketchy girl?!" I do. But it's stronger than me. I have to write about it. I can't keep it. He was like the guy I've always looked for. The guy I know I can totally present to my family, bring to a family dinner, knowing that my cousins will be totally jealous, and that I will feel totally good because he would be mine, just mine. He is the kind of guy I like. The one who lives for his passion, for his dream. The one who don't think life is about staying at school and learn stupid things. I know that for him life his about dreaming, and living it. I know we are similar on this point. "Never mind I'll find someone like you", if it's not him, it will be another one, I guess!

Thanks if you read it. MUCHO AMOR!
XXX
I'm finished for today. The last but not least. I'm a freak! lol

I miss him.

-J.

"Nothing Even Matters" (Jess)

I'm back titling my post with a BTR song : Nothing Even Matters. Dont need to say that I love this song, just like everyone of Big Time Rush's! I'm back with a Big Time Rush title because this past night I was with Kendall... ahah! Keep reading and you'll find out what I mean. This song is just perfect. Enjoy it with the episode clip :

So well, I write a little sad tonight. This is my last vacation day. I hate mondays, especially when they are the first after 2 weeks of cool holidays! I hate school, too. But I won't stay too much on it. We're not used to talk about school here. For Nano and I, school is a little bit a malediction, the biggest shit. We're at school to please our parents, not because we want something outta of it. If it wasn't for our parents, Nano and I will probably be at this drama school, in L.A. with the future face of next Disney Channel's hit show, with our face, for the next big tv channel' show : Frenchies In L.A.
What a dream! What a fabulous one! One day it will come true. We are gonna be modern Cinderellas!

Anyways! So holidays are ending and school is restarting. And my father wants me to find a job, too. But I don't think he realize that we are not in the USA… I wish, huh! But we're not! Students who have a job don't have anything else, no life, no sleep... I maybe finish school early, but I have tons of homeworks, they  take me a lot of time to do. My dad doesn't understand that! He is always thinking what I do is big shit, that I'm good for nothing. I kinda hate him those days and writing about it makes me hate him more and want to hit him strong to make him understand, but he'll never understand. So well, I'm just taking distance from him, lately. Talk hard to him, just as he talks hard to me. Be mad, because he deserves it. And I'll maybe get a job. But it won't be to satisfied him, just to prove him that I can be someone, that I don't need help, I don't need his help, that as soon as I earn my money I'll get out of his house to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I hate to be under orders, and my dad loves to give me orders. So it's kinda always a fight at home. I love my dad...sometimes. But this is like we can't match together. Just like when two different winds meet fire... it makes the fire grow. We are like two different winds.

Anyways, I didn't started to write to tell you guys about how it is with my father at home.
I wanted to ask you guys about something : Do you guys have sometimes this strange feeling you don't really belong to where you've always been. Like if someone had took you off your true place. Like you grew up in the wrong city, with the wrong people... Did you ever feel that? (If you want me to really know your answer - and I'd love it!! - you can leave a comment on the post!)
I often feel it. Lately I started to think that I should be born in a latino country, in Spain. And that my heart city would be L.A. I would have the same dreams, I'll not be exactly the same person. Well I'd wtill be Jess, still be as I am, but a little more free, a little less shy, a little bit better, maybe. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm too different from my family, like my parents don't understand me, they don't share my opinions and barely understand my dreams, the way I would like to live. We are way too differents. I guess I'm not the only one. But around me, a very few of my friends are living with parents like mine. I keep on telling my folks they have a serious problem, that they should be a little more like the others, but my father thinks he is doing well. Freedom never killed anyone.

Whatever! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT KENDALL IT'S HERE ;)

I'm sorry for the speech I made before! I always thought it was better to keep the best for the end. To finish it well, you know. So here it is!
This last night I turned off my lights at 1am, maybe. I was tired. A few hours before I was on twitter, changing a photo on our profile (check it out : @FrenchiesInLA). Our new photo is our four boys. The cutest dude you'll probably hear about on Earth. My favorite band. And changing this photo I realized how much I love them and miss them. And how much I would have the chance to see them once, at least, to talk with them, just be able to lett'em know how much they are important to me, how much they make me believe in my dreams.

So thinking about it all, this morning after my mom called me twice to get up, I fell asleep for a little more. And this was the best "little more" I've ever had! I dreamt about Kendall! I don't know why him an not the other (maybe because for a loooooong time Kendall was my boyfriend between the four of them! lol). So he was just like he is in his latest photos : half naked (WAIT, DUDE!) because he was on the beach. But before that, we were in a supermarket (don't ask, this is the "c'mon! lemme put something strange and totally unromantic stuff in your fabulous dream" part!). So after, we were on the beach. It was during the night. We were partying with people. Then everyone disappeared and there was just him and I. We talked, and just as he was half naked I could see his back. He was holding me. After I was looking for his tattoos (he had one more than usual in my dream), so I was touching his back, really slowly! Even if it was a dream I had the sensation it was warm. After I found his invented tattoo (which one was "mum" in the end of his back, in tiny letters), he turned back and hold me again. Then he kissed my forehead slowly, it was really sweet. I didn't want to wake up... but my stupid little sister chose this exact moment to cough! I hated her! Then I tried to sleep again and to start this dream again and again... But it was over.

It was short but absolutely amazing!!
I leave you guys with these sweet thoughts! I hope tonight I'll dream about Kendall, or the four guys again!


Thanks for reading (if you did)!
mucho amor! 

xxx

-Jessica.

Hello, I love you. -J.

Hello, I Love You is a song by The Doors, the great band with this amazing man Jim Morrison who reminds me of my summer love. Anyways, not talking about it.
I choose this song because The Doors is a classic rock band, the song is good (even if it would be better with this strange noise all along), the title is cute and I didn't have anything else for the big mess my post will be about. So well enjoy the song :

   The Doors - Hello I Love You by nanakoust

I have nothing to really talk about. I'm just enjoying my holidays like I never did before and maybe like I shouldn't! I should be working all time and I prefer being out with some friends, by day, by night, whenever and wherever for the great desesperation of my dad that feels his control on me going down (heheh, that's it, I'm almost free. Almost is the biggest part of the sentence, uh!).
So anyways… what happened lately..?

Last wednesday it was Halloween! This is one of my favorite time in the year! Especially because it's falls, the colours in the trees are amazingly beautiful, the sky is half grey, half blue, the night comes fast (which sometimes annoys me a lot!)... Everything is fine for a terrific night! (PLAY THIS!)
So with my friends and some friends' friends we spent this horror night together eating and drinking. And I'll stop there, lmao! Because there is nothing more to tell. I spent a lot of time out, in the street alone taking breath, being cold and I get cold, my voice is screwed up. But it was super fun anyways!

This Friday I got to see someone really rare in this town : Nano! Everytime we want to meet something comes between us and make us hard to stay. But this time we got it, even if the weather was trying to flood our plans... It rainned a lot, but we saw each others! ♥
Saturday I met some guys I've met during my summer holidays. Meeting them made me think a lot about this summer time and about how cold Paris was for October, well November, anyways! I shouldn't be that cold how are we gonna spend the winter ... I prefer not to think about it!
So well I remembered a lot my summer vacations. I think about it very often. It was one week, but it's like it had been the week of my life. My birth, the second one; the third one will be the day of my wedding, I mean the day I'll have something that will mean I'll stay with a man for life (if 'for life' exists still! Wedding appears like a waist of time and money now... What lasts forever? Things are becoming crazy. Who knows what true love is now? Not a lot of people!) Uuuuuy I went far away! Jesus! So yeah, I miss holidays! lol

Today I went to see some old/new friends (old because I'm not with them all the time anymore and new because I met them last year at college!). I love them so much! They are so sweet!
In fact, I'm really proud they are my friends. Because they are really sweet, they are fun, they are cool and they are mine. Lemme explain : Since I'm in middle school I have been like the shadow of my best friend (the first one), I always thought people liked me because she was my bff. I felt like I wasn't Jess but the BFF of (let's call her) Amelia. In high school it was quit the same passed sophomore year... Arriving at College I had no one with me, my bffs were far. I was just me, myself and I. And I made awesome friends, cool friends. I feel like I can be myself and be loved. That's amazing. Lmao you guys must think I am totally cray. I maybe am. But it feels good !
I realized that life is really short, maybe shorter than we used to think she was. What if the Maya Thing was true? What if all as to stop this December 21st? Wa can't spent our lifetime trying to be what people want us to be. Don't try. You are not an experience. You are not a project. You are art. God's art. And because God doesn't make mistakes you're great the way you are. It's easy for me to say it, trust it and apply it is harder, I know, but we gotta see things like this.
Like I said in a previous tweet : "You gotta believe in you. It's hard. Because if you don't, no one will. Just try to show the world who you really are. Be wild."

I have to admit that something helped me to feel good : the guy I've been in love with for more than one year and that I totally forgot about is coming back. He is trying to catch me, to see me, and I'm not saying yes. He told me that he prefered when I was in love, because I was easier to catch. Boy, take it. You felt strong, but who's leading now? Learn. I'm not something you can handle, try, and play with. I'm not a doll. I'm proud of that. I'm leading. I have things under control.
Everything turns back. If someone hurt you, you'll have the chance to feel stronger that this person soon or later! ;)

Hope you enjoyed!
LOVE
xxx
-J.

"Even if you ignore..." -J

The original title of the song is "Aunque tu no lo sepas". It's a Spanish song by Enrique Urquijo. It's a beautiful song. It hasn't any link with what I'm going to talk about. I'm going to traduce it :

Even if you ignore it, I invented your name.

I get junk with promises and I slept in cars.
Even if you don't understand it, I never write the direction on the enveloppe.
To not let my marks.

Even if you ignore it, I slept on your back.
And my cold bed complains when you leave.
I reinfroced my door, and when the morning came I didn't pay attention
that you weren't there anymore.

Even if you ignore it, we use to say so much,
with our full hands, very day a little thinner.
We invented tides, we piloted boats,
And I turn on with kiss,
the see of your lips.

Well, those days I've been a little off. My body is off. I'm really tired and I can't wait to be this Friday! Holidays are gonna be great, I hope!
Anyways, yesterday I visited my ex-drama club. The guy I was really friend with was there. He doesn't want to speak to me anymore because of his confession about his feelings that were a little bit more than the one you usually have for your friends. And since then, he doesn't want to even hear my name, because it would be "disrespectful" to talk to me again. That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard! Anyways! I was kinda sad and mad because of him! But I was glad to see a friend I made when I visited my best friend last year. I was already at College and the guy just began in the drama club. My best friend told me that apparently the dude felt in love with me the first day he saw me during a play. This guy is amazing! Really cute, super funny. If you don't laugh to his jokes, you are sick, or dead or you should be!
Waiting the guys to enter the high school I had a surprise. A car arrived, I looked in the car : a dude than was in my class in 8th grade with other guys that were in Middle School with me. He came out of the car, saw me and said "Oh! Whats up?!" I stay far from him and said hi too. I never thought he could recognize me. Then, like ten minutes after another car arrived. The driver was another guy I knew form middle school. My best friend caught the look of the guy next to him, I didn't have time. My best friend words were "Oh fuck!" I asked what was wrong and she told me "that's your man in it". I didn't look to the car. I just waited my other friends. The fun guy arrived, and he was watching over my shoulders, just like when someone sees another person walking in your direction. I turned and he was there, walking, he stopped when I was in front and opened his arms. I hug him quickly. I wasn't really aware of what was happening. I haven't see him for one year, at least. Lately he sent me some texts to have some news. The guy I'm talking about was the guy I was totally in love with in 10th grade. Nano can testify. I was like a fool. And this guy did deserve the half I suffer because of him. Now I consider him as a friend. Really no more. And I glad to say that seeing him yesterday just made me feel like when you haven't see a friend for a long time and just enjoy the fact you can see him and feel him for a sec. Just that. No more. I thought that I could fall again. But no. I'm stronger. I make the rules now that he is talking back to me. That's amazing.

This morning, waiting for my best friend (you obviously understand that I'm talking about my other best friend, not Nano!), I checked out what was new on facebook. I found a text I guy I met in Spain wrote about his trip. We met that guy in Spain, he was my friend's "boyfriend" for the same night I had 'Tyler' lol. So he wrote something about his amazing trip. He visited several countries and he his now back to his hometown (I won't say the name, it's Tyler's one too, I don't wanna be discovered! lmao). His text really moved me. And it make me think about Spain again. I didn't have time to think about it for a long time now. But today, that I saw his text, I though a lot about what I live there. For now, that was the experience of my life. The first time I could let my wings be controled by a free wind and not by my parents'. I grew up a little after this trip, and I also become a little bit more kiddish. Kiddish in the way that this boy put me up-side-down. I could stay hours just looking at him. Without saying anything. Just look at him. Look at his eyes. I know I always say that when I speak about him, but man, you guys haven't seen his eyes! They are incredible. He is incredible.
Anyway, I'm planning to go back again. Alone, maybe, or with friends. I don't care. Being alone is something cool too. Like you can waist your time the way you want. You don't have to agree with someone's programm. You make it by your own. You discover the city, the people. Alone. I like it. But with friends it's way funnier when you go to parties or clubs.
I miss the sun burning my skin, the sand hurting my feet because it was like puting them in a fireplace, my headhache at the beach because of the temperature, the long-walks in the city sleeping at 5 or 6am, the place we were living in, the guys we met, the city, the clean subway, the tiny little room we had, the pool we created everyday when we got out of the shower. Everything, anything. I miss it all. I even miss the panic moments when, at 5am we were in a street we've never seen before because we were talking too much, the missing street on this little free citymap. The way back home, when we finally found our way. The adventures to be as quiet as possible when we had to go to bed when our room mate was sleeping her 1 last hour before packing and leaving us forever. The raising sun through the window when our head just touched the pillow. The light coming inside of the room, the first sun shines when we finally close our eyes to sleep a few hours before starting a new day.
When my mom put on her fragrance I'm back there. Her fragrance reminds me my trip. Dunno why.
Some songs remind me it too. A lot of songs I often play to be back there for three minutes.
Googlemapping the place we were. Just to see if they really exist. If this all wasn't just a big sweet dream. And I know it was. But it was a dream I had the chance to live.

I can't wait to feel this sensations again. To be free again. To feel me, like I really am.
I just want to have fun.

Today, my teacher said he was chocked by the number of blog containing things like "I" "I do" "I am"...He thinks we should talk about the world, about what is happening and not about our feelings. The world make us feel like we feel, the experience we live make everything we are. Talking about us we talk about the world. And what can I say more about the world? That it's screwed up? That I don't know how our future will be? That's what we should say?
I prefer speak about lame things, not interesting things, but things that can be feel by some of you, if you read it.

Thanks,
LOVE
xxx

-Jess, one of the FrenchiesInLA!

"Cry me a river" -N

Hi guys, Nano here, Wassuuuuup?!
First of all, the title has nothing to do with the text, I'm just a huge fan of Sinatra (and I know Liam Payne sang this one during his X-Factor audition, but I don't care baby), so yeah. CRY ME A RIVER!

Anyways, I just need to write something tonight, so here I am. So I spent the day studying, as usual lol. I met new girls this past few weeks. But the thing is I'm such a special girl that I got to explain more or less who I am. And these ones just didn't get my vision. (Seriously who does?!)

The thing is I don't think I ever fell in love with a guy in my life, yet. I obviously had a LOT of crushes but as long as my crush doesn't fall for me, I can't actually fall in love, can I?!! Anyways, the thing is that I think it's pathetic to see a guy crying, or saying I love you to a girl or what. This is not mean at all, I just think I'd laugh if that would ever happen to me. Yet, I watch a lot of romantic movies. I just watched "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." which is a really funny-romantic movie, I am a huge fan of The Notebook (who's not?!), I'm listenning right now this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkWplI8fOyM&feature=fvst ! But I can't just can't imagine myself in a relation with a guy who just do... stuffs... girls stuffs... Ok, I know this sounds really weird, but I promise it's not. It's maybe just because I never fell in love yet. I just don't want to see a man weak. But I promise, I'm a really really really REALLY nice girl. I just think in a weird way when it's about love. Does this text has at least a sense?!
Anyways, I'm obviously exhausted, so I'm going to get some sleep. Thank God I don't have class tomorrow, but I have so much to do, that I don't even want to think about it! GOOD NIGHT, much Love and Peace!

Nano (the weird one)
From FrenchiesInLA

'Thinking of You' -J.

Katy Perry's Thinking Of You always moves me. This song is incredible, the melody, the lyrics. They mean a lot and I guess everyone felt that once in life: being with someone, but thinking of another one. That's pretty strong.
So this post was supposed to come a looong time ago, but these days I have been submerged by work and tiredness. But here it is, after one week.

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
…
You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know
…

Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
 

   Katy Perry - Thinking Of You

Well… It's been such a long time I want to write it so now, I don't really know how to begin…

This past week was kinda weird. Stuffs... okay, boys  from my "past" came back. Weird. I didn't ask for that much, thank you... (ironic, yeah, maybe!).
So my first BIG crush came back. He is like, talking to me again. For no reasons. Like we haven't talk for more than 1 year. Or just to say "hi" by text message because he saw me driving and wanted to see that he saw me. Well, I'm suspicious he tries to know if he can still have some influence on me, clearly, if I am still in love. And the answer is NO, guys. A clear, a simple but decisive NO. And I am proud. Because I kinda got it rough trying to forget about him. The worst is that he didn't deserve me to be that stuck on him, to suffer, cry and waist my days thinking of him. So now, I am proud to say that if a new game began, I will be the one winning, for sure. I'm fine with just being friends, if we have to be something.

So apart from this old guy, I started to be a little closer to an old friend. A guy a new in junior high school. We weren't that close, but this summer we talk and find out that we missed eachother (don't laugh, it looks like it's weird, but it came really naturally!). Well we were supposed to find a day to see us, but well it was always canceled. Since we began school, we tried again and failed. Finally, last week end we met. We were just the two of us. Never saw him like this. I mean for a long time, with no one around. We weren't closed in a house, neither in town. Just behind houses. Near woods. Alone. We talk about our lives. He told me about girls, I told him about boys, and more pricisely about 'Tyler' (sorry for the name, Nano! it's the Tyler of my holidays, huh, just to be clear). And talking about him I was like a dreamer and he said "dude, don't be that sad, he was just a man!", well I started talking about what he was, and not JUST a man, he was THE man, blahblahblah. My friend took me in his arms and started to hug me, when we were talking his mouth was very close to my ear. We stayed like this for a long time, and kept talking. Then we had to think about take the way back home. We stood up to go, and he stopped and hug me again, but this time we were like face to face. His mouth was just on my front, and started to go down (sorry for the details, but don't be silly, huh. It was nothing, nothing happened, eh!). At that moment my heart started to beat. Very, very fast. I was in the little wood anymore, neither in my town, neither in France. I was back in August, this summer. My friend wasn't really here. I just felt like I was with him; with Tyler. It hurt. A bit. But it hurt.
I turned my head, and I'll pas the details about how everything was during that moment and how it ended. But in the "sweet" moments I wasn't there anymore. I was with him. It's hard to admit that you miss someone you'll never see again. I kinda liked him. Not like a boyfriend. But like a friend, first. Because that's what we first were. Friends. And now, we are nothing. And I can't stand the fact I have to forget everything. The fact that I must go on. That I must see that it's my friend kissing me and not him. He won't come back. I won't see him again. Never more.
I told I was over with posts talking about him. I can't. (I do am miserable, but look… Misery is something inspiring. And I kinda like to write miserable stuffs. I feel like I will probably use them someday. Read them all over again and say "Oh Tyler, see what I wrote about you!" lmao, kidding! I'll say something like that "Oh man, I was such pathetic girl" and I'll tease me.)
I already have some thoughts for my next entries (and you are all like "dude, she said entrIES! like she will write about ten things about this guy won't gave up on her. Her blogs stinks. Girl move on, he forgot about you". Guys, guys, guys… I know he did!). I can't help myself. He is the first guy who saw me like everyday, without make up on my party-all-night-i-couldnt-sleep-face…And he still liked me. Incredible!
Anyways!
It was terrible to feel him again. He wasn't here. He is far away. Forever away. And I still feel him.
I can remember everything. His look. His incredible smile that exempted him from saying things. He didn't have to talk. Everything was on his face. His eyes and his smile were the messengers. The messages were clear. And perfect.
I would do anything to be back there. To have him close. Like in Shakira's song 'Hay amores'
'Ay, mi bien, qué no haria yo por ti, por tenerte un secundo, alejados del mundo, y cerquita de mi'
'Ay my good, what wouldn't I do for you, to have you just a second, far way from world, and close to me'.
But that will reappear in another entry (yes, this time it was a singular…Maybe I'm getting better! lol).

Thanks for reading.
LOVE
xxx
-J.

American Secrets -J.

American Secrets is a really pretty song by Parachute. I got their last album on iTunes and it's pretty good! Well it's the kind of music I like! So I picked up one song from the album "The way it was"; American Secrets gets something that makes me remember someone I was remembering strongly today. This guys. I'll give him a name to be more clear…Tyler. 

When the sun fell low in the blood red sky yeah
Every house called out as we passed them by yeah
She would grab my hand as the trees leaned in yeah
Oh I'm still racing home from the place I've been

It was all I knew, I was waiting for the big one
And I stay forever 
American secrets
Had a dream it was ours and we just didn't know yet

We would drive by right through every lonely street yeah
Smell the truth in her hair felt the world in my feet yeah
But we were just two kids in a beat up car
Oh I'm still driving home from the things I've done
…
We were caught on the inside
Left it all on that bedside
Give me one more minute with those baby blues
We pull up
Oh she looks back and waves as I wait too long
I can picture her room as the lights go on
I'm still dancing along with the way it was
I'm still dancing along with the way it was
Give me one more, give me one more
Give me one more minute with my baby
Give me one more, give me one more
Give me one more minute with American secrets
Give me one more, give me one more
Oh she looks back and waves as she slips inside
Every hope in the world and those bright blue eyes
I'm still dancing along with the way it was

Got my mind made up
And I'm coming back for you
I can hear your voice calling and I'll be there soon
I can see you there in the bedroom by those stairs
Oh I've always been running but I don't know where
…

  American Secrets by Parachute

The reason why I like this song it's because, more than the lyrics, the melody gives you something. The track is like 6 minutes long but it looks like it a 2 in 1. The track is divided by the half: the 3 first minutes are like catchy, with a punchy rhythm, and the second half is slow, like more nostalgic.
And that's pretty much how I feel when I remember Tyler. I'm exited because we spent really good times together and super sad and nostalgic because I know that I will have to talk about it using the past. It's sad. I've been thinking about him… Now and then. But today I was dreaming in class and draw is initial letter in my copy. Sooner on facebook I see an update from him. He was online. And he didn't reply the last messages we were sharing. It hurts like hell.
I'll open my eyes. Understand we are not meant to be, even friends. But I can't stop thinking about him.
I have this weird sensation of incomplete. Like it's not over. This strange feeling that we are gonna see each other again. I don't know when. Like if Destiny was blowing me "It's not over, keep the faith".
But it is over. Being fool and think that we are gonna be together again for a minute won't help me and won't make it come true. But I don't wanna give up. He was someone cool, charming, beautiful, sweet and spicy, calm and wild. He was just my type. It's hard to give up on something you've been looking for. Like an amazing piece in a clothes-store. It's fantastic, you've never seen it before, just imagine it. You see it. Come closer. And the article is suddenly outta-stock, like forever. Frustrating. Disgusting. Why? Why when it was almost perfect it has to end. Just a last hug. A last look. His fucking beautiful eyes. His lips, perfect and now forbidden, unapproachable for ever. I make a step backward. Another one. We're still just a step away, but now there are miles and miles between us. Like the whole world in the middle. I turn my back, walk through the room were it all began. Stop in front of the elevator that is coming way too fast. A last look at him. His eyes are on me, he is smiling. I smile and sent him a kiss. Tears are coming up. I don't let them coming out. Few stories under, I grab my suitcase, look at my friend and hardly say "those were amazing holidays". The tears weren't obedient anymore. They came out. I cried. Not just because of him. Because of every single thing I was just going to leave behind.
He was obviously one of them.
And today, I'm remembering it all. How good we were. How cool and sweet it was. And how short, too. I think I miss the fact that he could be the one my parents would like me to date (lol)! I already ear my mom's "wow, he is good looking, sweet and he is a good boy... Really handsome"... Yeah, it's important for me to pick someone my parent's would like and admire. Once, my godmother was talking about her daughter's boyfriend and she said "he isn't beautiful, but he is nice". Sorry but that's terrible. The day my mom tells someone that my boyfriend is "not beautiful, but nice", I feel like bad!
Whatever.
So everything I told is the reason why I don't want it to be over. "I won't give up on us", even if it appears like the thing to do, and more, the thing already done, in his part of the story. I'm just stuck on it. I wish this murmur that tells me "it's not over" is a true one. Or not. I don't know.
It's too fresh for me. Too recent for the moment. I need time. I need him.

LOVE

xxx

-Jess, from Frenchies In L.A. 

Life Goes on... -N

Hello guys, Nano here, it's been a while I didn't write a thing so I just wanted to write a little something today.

I had some issues last week and this week, some bad stuffs that made me really sad and that I couldn't show. Some of you know, but I won't talk about it today because it's over.
Anyways I started school this week, everything was going well until today. Our teachers are crazy, they give us so much to do that you just want to cry. Especially, it's not what I want to do, but I still do because people believe in me and see things in me that I can't see. Plus, I have no friends in my class, just a girl who stays with me, but I'd better be alone, because she stays with me and don't talk, or do the same stuffs as I do, this is creepy. I feel really lonely, lost and misunderstood. And this is bad. Not that I'm going to cry... yet, but I just don't feel okay. And I know that I got to be strong, and move on, and work hard. But I'm not smart, (Jess, you can say whatever you want, I'm not smart), I'm not able to get things, or learn things as other people do. I maybe get some things about values, life and everything, but people don't care about that even though this is what matters. This is sad anyway.

I'm gonna try to sound like everyone, just to see how do I feel. Lol, yesterday, I saw the guy I had a crush on last year. He's actually in my friend's class, and last year we were pretty close (not that much, we just talked, study, hang out in the hallway, all this with my friend obviously). But he didn't talk to me yesterday, too bad, but I didn't really mind, I would totally freak out he talked to me and say some crap. But the thing is, he has a new haircut, and he's so handsome now, like he's a little weird, but handsome. Uhh, I can't think about that, I have serious stuff to do this year. And I want to be able to do them, even though I'm confidentless. So, it's a kind of hard work to have a crush uhh? Lmao

Anyways, thanks for reading whoever you are.
Lots of love, Peace and quiet reader
xoxo, Nano

From FrenchiesinLA

No Idea -J.

No Idea, Big Time Rush' song, yes! I couldn't find a title and then I remembered Big Time Decision. And it came out like an evidence! The song is amazing. The guys are fabulous. The episode was cool and was about decision and so my post is! So I couldn't find a better title! Don't know about you, but I'm loving them more and more. I just can't wait to finally hear "Big Time Rush is going to Paris in 2013". The Wolrd better not end this December or I'll be really, really mad it ended before I could have the chance to see Big Time Rush perform and touch the French territory…

I'll love you, if you ain't got nobody to love
And girl I'll adore you, if there's no one to adore
And I'll show you, if there's no one to show
And I'll know you, if you want somebody to know
Every time you come around
You put a lightning bolt on my face
Baby, everytime you come around
Girl, you take my breath away
And I just wanna breathe until I take you in
Cause I want you to breathe until you take me in
But the truth is
She has no idea, no idea
That I'm even here, I'm even here
She has no idea, no idea
I'm standing here, I'm standing here
I'm standing here
I'll kiss you, whenever you want to be kissed
How I miss you two seconds after you leave screaming "come back to me, come back to me"
Let me please you, let me see you, let me take that heart of yours
And I'll be whatever you need me to be - the good guy, bad guy, just tell me baby
…
Please tell me you can heal me
I'm expressing my love
Won't stop till I get you
I'm not letting up
I'm running to your heart
Like a kid in a store
Take every ounce of love
And beg you for more
And beg you for more

   

I don't really know how to begin. I'm thinking about a lot of things. It's kinda messy up there (I mean in my head, huh!).
But well, so here it is!
This past few days I've been feeling strangely good. It's strange because nothing was really made to make me feel like that. I was just happy, good and alright.
I was great even if some details went out to disturb me, like my other BF (other means that it wasn't my Nano!), told me about this party we were supposed to go with some guys from school. I so wanted to go because it was an american-way-of-partying Party. And you guys know HOW MUCH I love the USA! So I really wanted to go, but the entry isn't free, and it's actually kinda expansive. So a gave a little up. I love partying, but I don't like to pay a lot for it when I know I can have fun for free!
Anyway, she told me about this party saying "let's go, please, tell me we're gonna go!", I said what I though about it, and she added "my mom told me to go, and that she'll give me the bucks for the entry". Girl, lemme think... Your mom told you to go (thing my mom will never say to me!) and that she will give you the bucks... Well, but she is not giving me the bucks… And between you and me, I am the one who need the cash. And the fact your mom is paying you the entry doesn't mean my folks will pay mine! And I don't want to think that my mom has to work more than 1 hour to let me get in this club. I refuse to see my mom killing herself at work to let me have fun (or maybe not, we don't even know if it's gonna be good or not!). SO the fact she couldn't understand that not everyone was born with a golden spoon in the mouth made me sad. She maybe think I'm rich, but all the things my family has is thanks to my parents' hard work. Her parents are always taking holidays, they don't work as hard as my folks and they have much more. I'm happy for them, really. But I think rich people don't really understand that others need to work real hard to get 1/4 of what riches have!
Anyway!
The other stuff that made me feel terrible this week end, even if I was feeling unusually alright (unusually for a week end like those, I mean!), was a man. This Sunday I went to Church, like quit every Sundays. And at the front door there was this man asking for money. I felt terrible. Terrible to feel good when he probably never was fully happy. Even if I think that poor people can be happier than riches. Poors know what real life is. It's about sharing moments with the persons you love. Riches think real life and happiness is about having the last Burberry coat. I think this is superficial hapiness, because you are happy during 5 minutes, when the coat is finally yours. Good moments make great memories. Memories won't leave you. The coat will be outta fashion.
And so I felt terrible to think that I would like to be richer, to have more stuffs in my closet... Superficial thoughts (yes, I maybe know it's superficial, but sometimes I want superficial stuffs. I'm human. A miserable one, maybe. I'm sorry).

Besides those two things that hit my bubble of good mood, there was nothing more. I spent the week end between my friends and family. Couldn't ask for more. Had great times. Lots of laugh. Amazing. 

Feeling good doesn't avoid my thoughts. They come. And I'm thinking a lot about life. My life. My present life, the one who will directly build a way to my future life. I want to leave. I'll want it, pricesely. I can't stay here for too much. Not because I  don't like my parents, my friends, my family. It's because I can't bear to live somewhere I don't feel I belong to. I need to move. Because I want to discover. I need to be a little bit far from my parents. Not that I don't love them, once more. But I'll love them more when I'll be far. No more tensions. Just love and a miss, a miss I will cure coming back. I'll always come back. You can try to take a flower out of her first place, she will stay a bit in a new place, but she will never be like in her birth place, her real roots. My roots aren't in a country. They are anchored in my family.
I have no idea of when I'll go. But I'm sure I will. I need to.
I feel like there is a moment in life you become aware that growing is irremediable. You're going in spite of you in the way of life... (my spanish tweet : HERE)

And you have to stop being afraid of everything. Responsabilities, decisions and enlistment are indispensable facts. You just have to be brave. And to live. (my other spanish tweet : HERE).

And about those two past tweets I translated, I wasn't really thinking about moving on. Not only. I was thinking about love. I always was affraid to put me into a relationship. I though I was too young, too child, too me, to be stuck with a guy. I like movement. I don't like to have to be attached to someone. Couples are so into this "24/7days a week" stuff. Man. I don't want to give up on my solo moments when I listen to music very loud, try on clothes, sing, dance in front of the mirror.
And now I still don't feel great about it. I won't say that I'm not ready. Okay, I'm not ready. But I have to be. 19 is enough. I can stay with a guy for more than few days just because I'm scared my parents' could figure out I'm seeing someone and start to think about dirty details. I can fully see that from here : my mom, knowing I'm seeing someone "seriously", coming and saying "Sweetie, if you wanna talk about… well, you know, stuffs, like, hahum, you know... Like talk about that…" OH MAN! STOP IT! LMAO Too hard, to awkward. My mom already tried to and it was really awful.
I won't talk about my dad… Even when I hanging with my boy cousin (the one who is in love with me) when we are in these family parties, my dad starts to imagine stuffs like "Where were you? Please, be careful with your cousin, he is nice, but he is a little bit too... lover, you know. He will try to charm you" GOSH STOP!!! He is my cousin! Please!
That's why for my parents' mental health I never told them about love affairs or anything. They never knew nothing about my love life, the guys I loved... Even if sometime it was really hard to hide (Nano helped me a lot with my really first BIG unhappy love affair..! God, the guy didn't worth it... like often, huh!)
And now, I can't hide you I'm thinking about my summer boy. My almost-perfect summer boy. My dream man! Well, the only dream man I could actually touch! Yes, because Kendall, Logan, Carlos or James aren't really available for touching-demonstrations of love... Too bad! lol

Anyway. I'm a little tired so don't pay too much attention to little details I might have say! (yes, I know, I already used this phoney excuse... Sorry, I couldn't find a better one! ;))

Mucho Amor! (Much Love!)
xxx

-Jess.

(visit our brand new website! http://frenchiesinla.wix.com/home)

"Invisible" -J

No needs to say which amazing band sings Insivible, of course it's from Big Time Rush's second album Elevate. I think this song is super sensitive, and has a super strong meaning. It made me cried a lot of times. And everytime I listen it I think about how strong we need to be. You can't give up. Just show up who you are, don't hide.

Do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder
And your world just feels so small
Put yourself on the line and time after time
Keep feeling inside that they don't know you're alive
Are you out of mind or just invisible

But I won't let you fall
I'll see you, through them all
And I just wanna let you know

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there shining bright
You're a star, the sky's the limit
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible

Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of
Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away
And night after night, always trying to decide
Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
Do you take a chance or stay invisible
Gotta look far, I'll be where you are
I wish you could see what I see
So don't ask why, just look inside
Baby it's all you need
And I don't understand why you won't 

 Take my hand and go
Cause you're so beautiful

I think it happen to everyone of us. You don't feel good. But you don't show it, and keep on saying "great" to every "how are you?!". It's just a moment. In three days you will be better.
But during this weird moment, the moment in which you feel like even yourself could forget about you. You just feel invisible and unusual. Feel like your life is just a piece of shit and that if it had to stay like this forever you don't understand how you could ever be this winner between the billion of things that run to aim your mom's inside... Everybody says that you're here for something... Is that something a life with no real interest? I only live cool stuffs daydreaming. I left my passion behind when I left high school. No more dramaclub to let me think that I'm here to do something. That I can do something I like, even if the text isn't that good, I like these moments. I liked. Those hours spent on working with an actor, hours spent on changing the way I was supposed to say "hello", the way I was supposed to stand on a chair, a leg up in the hair, the other trying to stay on the chair.
This past month, the only adjective I find to describe my life is "shit". Since I came back from my holidays worthy of the name, everything seems bittersweet. I didn't find no one to make me think that maybe my boy there wasn't that good... In fact everything makes me think that he was so hot and that I still think of him really often but that I don't have any news so it's true the distance is terrible even for friendships! I feel like I have nothing to tell, I live nothing. I just wake up every fucking morning to go to school, to prepare my future without having any present.
Is that life? Well, I knew it better! It's just a moment, but what a fucking moment!
I just want something to trigger, something to move me up from the inside, something cool and nice.
Someone in my family died this past week end. My aunt's mom. I'm sad and may her rest in peace and may God carry her. My aunt is someone always happy, she's always kidding and goofing, she has always the world to make you laugh. Imagining her in pain is really awful. And imagining living without a mom is just terrible. It make me realise again, after I lose my grandpa' 9 years ago, that life can take you someone off without a sign. They just go and you stay with this unbearable feeling of incomplete. This terrible miss. Not like when you miss a friend you can see tomorrow if you just move your butt. This miss will be forever. And it's a terrible feeling. Really frustrating.
Life is too short to be screwed up, to be qualified like shit. So I just want my life to move up, to be interesting. Staying a moment without nothing interesting to tell, nothing that makes people say "wow!!!! incredible". Like Demi says in "Wanna give your heart a break" :
"There's just one life to live, and there's no time to wait, to waste..."
 I don't wanna lose anytime. Life is something precious. I can't believe we are here to be borred. There is too much to do, to live, to know... So many feelings to discover, to reknow and relearn.
I don't wanna say that my life wasn't worth it. Every life is worth it if God gave it to you.
I just need to be "a little more free" and to "elevate a little higher" and everything will be okay.
Hope my "eventless" moment will be over soon...

LOVE,
xxx
-Jess.

This Kiss, I Almost Said it … -J

My first double titled post! My title is composed by two songs : This Kiss and I Almost Said It, both are from Carly Rae Jepsen's new album ('KISS') I got the day it went out! The album is good, some songs are catchy and others really sweet (thinking about her duet with J.Bieber!)... Anyway! I couldn't decide between the two songs, so I took both! The first is catchy and danceable, the other is sweet and slow. They are perfect for what I'm gonna tell, it's all about being excited and totally soft. You'll understand and make you feel more secure, maybe, if you keep reading my post ;).

This kiss is something I can't resist
Your lips are undeniable
This kiss is something I can't risk
Your heart is unreliable
Something so sentimental
You make so detrimental
And I wish it didn't feel like this
Cause I don't wanna miss this kiss
I don't wanna miss this kiss

You know you're just my type
And your eyes are lock and key, to my heart
Tempting my confession
And you're a real hot thing
...
And you, I'm dancing to where you are
And your dancing to where I am
We're taking it way too far
But I don't want it to end

 

I always want more
I'm never gonna get it
You're gonna be the one I never got that got away
And I'll regret it
Just a moment in time
But I can't forget it
Yeah, we almost said it
If this is love, ooh
I should be dying
But I'm going downtown like I still care
Like I'm still trying
I said I was over you but I'm lying
There, I almost said it
…
Oh, when will you wake up and get it
This close, we almost said it
…
It's in my body language, read me
We were this close
This close, yeah
And it's like every time you look at me
I say it silently
Oh, wake up, baby, come and get it
This close, we almost said it
…
That still means someday you might be
Oh, this close, yeah, yeah
…
We were just this close but we couldn't say it
We were this close

So here! Hope with the lyrics you understood what I couldn't confess. The details. Why I am so stuck on what happened with this guy. Here it goes.
I'm not use to be that stuck on this kind of stories. Like I said before, in other posts, what I did was supposed to be something without sence, without signification. It was. Until I thought and thought and got that he was blowing my mind. Nothing was is it. He was the only thing left in there. Stupid me. It was a game. I use to be good at games like these. I couldn't be catch. But this time I lose.

 Nano made a post for all the girl who feel insecure... And here goes something that can maybe help you too...
I use to feel insecure. Always. Everyday. I can't look at me in the mirror withour thinking "how the fuck can I dare going out?". Shapes, you know...
But even if you think the worse things about you, there will always be people who will think you are not that bad, or that will look only the what you have to give, what you are inside.
I won't say that that summer was the first time I got a boy interested in me. That's not true, I do have some boys who asked me out, tried things or whatever (see, you guys don't have to worry ;)).
But they never saw me the way this man saw me. Wearing shorts, without make up after really short after-parties-nights (I only wear make up for two years... So TONS of people, well, my entiere high school, saw me without make up... But at that time I used to sleep a little more!), when I just got up, he heard my rough english... Well in fact it was just like we were living together... He just didn't see me in my pjs (Thanks God! lmao). And even after seeing what for me it's the worse of me, he still did what he did. "We were just that close....yeah, just that close". And this cancels on all the other boys I knew! Because they liked me but they always saw me in jeans, almost prepared, etc. He didn't. Okay... It sounds stupid, maybe he was just like the other boys that I used to know...
But he had something more, he was older (not like 10years older than me... just about...4/5 years more), he was really, really, really beautiful, he wasn't french, he was sweet and fierce, he had those sweet hands, theses incredible eyes... Anyway he was more than all the boys I had a crush on before.
And I never imagined we could feel the same because the way I was... I mean, there were so many beautiful girls, they were shaped just like models and I was like... like me. It wasn't like in high school were there was a few choice for the guys... He had an amazing board of girls. Pretty, tall, thin, sexy girls.
He made me feel good for a moment. A short/long moment. A moment that was independant from the time, from the space. I was just with him. The other disapeared. The music stopped. There was nothing left. Just us.

That game turned bad for me. But at least, for you guys reading it, it can make you know that even the cutest guy, the one better than your boyfriend (who is good), the one super hot. THE MAN! He can be interested by you and not your model friend, not the hot blond walking in high heels down the streets, this perfectly secure girl... No, you. Just you.
Trust it and it can be true.
And remember some guys said this :


LOVE and KISS
xxx
-Jess.

"So What?!" —J.

Don't need to tell you that So What?! is that crazy song by P!nk. This girl is just so delusional! I love her style, the way she acts in her music videos, she's is just incredible! Anyway, P!nk reminds me a lot of good moments I spent, so a few minutes ago I was stuck with the title, so I decided not to take a music that will have a lyrics that reminds me the topic I wanna expose, but just a song I like and that make me feel good and happy. So here it is, P!nk, SO WHAT?!

I have severals things I want to write about today!
First one good new, for me : I finally found a school! :) YAY! I won't have to listen my dad say "Jessica?! hmm, for the moment she doesn't do anything…She's waiting for a school that can take her, but they are all full..!" with this regret and disapointment in his voice... Finally he can be proud of me! :) And for me that means a lot, even if I'm not always great with him, I often desagree his decisions about me and my lifestyle. Anyways, he is my dad and I want him to be proud.

More about family, but now not "home-family". These past two saturdays I visit family I didn't see for a whiiiiiiiiile! Two weeks ago it was my godfather and godmother. It was nice to see them after that long! They have 3 children. The girl is 18, the boy is 14 and the little boy is 5. They are so cute.
And last week it was my father's cousins. We used to leave in the same building for 5 years. But it was like 8 years ago. But I spent my childwood with their son. My cousin. 2 years younger than me. He is cool. He made me laugh, juste like my godfather's older son.
It makes me see how cool it feels to share some good moments with your fam. They are very important. And if you have the chance to be close to them, don't screw up. Even family can't rule your entiere life, and friends are super important too, friends won't replace your family. And your family won't replace your friends. Even if you consider your friends like your fam and your fam like your friends. We need both, I guess.
I know I'm really lucky to have such a big family, cousins everywhere! I'm sure when I'm spending time in Portugal I met with some people I don't know and that actually are members of my "gang" ! lmao

Talking about Portugal...
Just like I said in my lastest tweets I was supposed to spent some days these coming weeks. Just to visit my grandma' and my two cousins I only saw 2 days because we had to leave to go my other grandpas' city. But that was planned because I was a school-less girl. And as I'm not anymore, my little days of holidays were canceled... Anyway, I didn't even take a ticket for a flight or something.
But I would have enjoy to spent some days there. Let's be clear, I love Portugal... Just not when I HAVE to go, and not during summer.
Summer is great for the weather, it's hot, sunny, you can't enjoy everything you want, it's summer you can't do whatever (or not) you want!
But during Summer, there are too many french people! I see them all year long here, so guys, just go please and let me enjoy the real Portugal, not your screwed up accent and your bullshits and crazy needs to be just as tanned as burnt steak! Please!
So I would have enjoy some days in september/october there! AMAZING! Without my parents I would have be free, out all day, visiting the town, hanging around to find some cool-real-portuguese to talk with... Visit some bars I don't know... Party like I never did in Portugal because I wasn't old enough... LIFE! :)
But well, it's bittersweet to talk about it knowing that this little freedom moment is out of project now..! Or maybe I can runaway with my car?! But if I do, I'll stop WAAAAAAAY before Portugal. Spain will be enough. More I didn't really get to meet Spanish people this summer... Spanish run away from Spain during summer or what?! lmao. I would like to turn back, but not in summer... Just to see the real Spanish culture, way of living and not only for clubs and parties! (even if this is an AMAZINGLY CRAZY PART!!!!!!) Anyway!
Won't talk too much more... I have another idea of post I couldn't mix with this one... And a brand new title lmao! CRJ made some cool stuffs for the new album! :)

I'm coming back soon with something maybe more interesting! ;)

LOVE and KISSES 

xxx

—Jess.