"Nothing Even Matters" (Jess)

I'm back titling my post with a BTR song : Nothing Even Matters. Dont need to say that I love this song, just like everyone of Big Time Rush's! I'm back with a Big Time Rush title because this past night I was with Kendall... ahah! Keep reading and you'll find out what I mean. This song is just perfect. Enjoy it with the episode clip :

So well, I write a little sad tonight. This is my last vacation day. I hate mondays, especially when they are the first after 2 weeks of cool holidays! I hate school, too. But I won't stay too much on it. We're not used to talk about school here. For Nano and I, school is a little bit a malediction, the biggest shit. We're at school to please our parents, not because we want something outta of it. If it wasn't for our parents, Nano and I will probably be at this drama school, in L.A. with the future face of next Disney Channel's hit show, with our face, for the next big tv channel' show : Frenchies In L.A.
What a dream! What a fabulous one! One day it will come true. We are gonna be modern Cinderellas!

Anyways! So holidays are ending and school is restarting. And my father wants me to find a job, too. But I don't think he realize that we are not in the USA… I wish, huh! But we're not! Students who have a job don't have anything else, no life, no sleep... I maybe finish school early, but I have tons of homeworks, they  take me a lot of time to do. My dad doesn't understand that! He is always thinking what I do is big shit, that I'm good for nothing. I kinda hate him those days and writing about it makes me hate him more and want to hit him strong to make him understand, but he'll never understand. So well, I'm just taking distance from him, lately. Talk hard to him, just as he talks hard to me. Be mad, because he deserves it. And I'll maybe get a job. But it won't be to satisfied him, just to prove him that I can be someone, that I don't need help, I don't need his help, that as soon as I earn my money I'll get out of his house to go wherever I want, whenever I want. I hate to be under orders, and my dad loves to give me orders. So it's kinda always a fight at home. I love my dad...sometimes. But this is like we can't match together. Just like when two different winds meet fire... it makes the fire grow. We are like two different winds.

Anyways, I didn't started to write to tell you guys about how it is with my father at home.
I wanted to ask you guys about something : Do you guys have sometimes this strange feeling you don't really belong to where you've always been. Like if someone had took you off your true place. Like you grew up in the wrong city, with the wrong people... Did you ever feel that? (If you want me to really know your answer - and I'd love it!! - you can leave a comment on the post!)
I often feel it. Lately I started to think that I should be born in a latino country, in Spain. And that my heart city would be L.A. I would have the same dreams, I'll not be exactly the same person. Well I'd wtill be Jess, still be as I am, but a little more free, a little less shy, a little bit better, maybe. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like I'm too different from my family, like my parents don't understand me, they don't share my opinions and barely understand my dreams, the way I would like to live. We are way too differents. I guess I'm not the only one. But around me, a very few of my friends are living with parents like mine. I keep on telling my folks they have a serious problem, that they should be a little more like the others, but my father thinks he is doing well. Freedom never killed anyone.

Whatever! IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT KENDALL IT'S HERE ;)

I'm sorry for the speech I made before! I always thought it was better to keep the best for the end. To finish it well, you know. So here it is!
This last night I turned off my lights at 1am, maybe. I was tired. A few hours before I was on twitter, changing a photo on our profile (check it out : @FrenchiesInLA). Our new photo is our four boys. The cutest dude you'll probably hear about on Earth. My favorite band. And changing this photo I realized how much I love them and miss them. And how much I would have the chance to see them once, at least, to talk with them, just be able to lett'em know how much they are important to me, how much they make me believe in my dreams.

So thinking about it all, this morning after my mom called me twice to get up, I fell asleep for a little more. And this was the best "little more" I've ever had! I dreamt about Kendall! I don't know why him an not the other (maybe because for a loooooong time Kendall was my boyfriend between the four of them! lol). So he was just like he is in his latest photos : half naked (WAIT, DUDE!) because he was on the beach. But before that, we were in a supermarket (don't ask, this is the "c'mon! lemme put something strange and totally unromantic stuff in your fabulous dream" part!). So after, we were on the beach. It was during the night. We were partying with people. Then everyone disappeared and there was just him and I. We talked, and just as he was half naked I could see his back. He was holding me. After I was looking for his tattoos (he had one more than usual in my dream), so I was touching his back, really slowly! Even if it was a dream I had the sensation it was warm. After I found his invented tattoo (which one was "mum" in the end of his back, in tiny letters), he turned back and hold me again. Then he kissed my forehead slowly, it was really sweet. I didn't want to wake up... but my stupid little sister chose this exact moment to cough! I hated her! Then I tried to sleep again and to start this dream again and again... But it was over.

It was short but absolutely amazing!!
I leave you guys with these sweet thoughts! I hope tonight I'll dream about Kendall, or the four guys again!


Thanks for reading (if you did)!
mucho amor! 

xxx

-Jessica.