"Invisible" -J

No needs to say which amazing band sings Insivible, of course it's from Big Time Rush's second album Elevate. I think this song is super sensitive, and has a super strong meaning. It made me cried a lot of times. And everytime I listen it I think about how strong we need to be. You can't give up. Just show up who you are, don't hide.

Do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder
And your world just feels so small
Put yourself on the line and time after time
Keep feeling inside that they don't know you're alive
Are you out of mind or just invisible

But I won't let you fall
I'll see you, through them all
And I just wanna let you know

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there shining bright
You're a star, the sky's the limit
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible

Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of
Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away
And night after night, always trying to decide
Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd
Do you take a chance or stay invisible
Gotta look far, I'll be where you are
I wish you could see what I see
So don't ask why, just look inside
Baby it's all you need
And I don't understand why you won't 

 Take my hand and go
Cause you're so beautiful

I think it happen to everyone of us. You don't feel good. But you don't show it, and keep on saying "great" to every "how are you?!". It's just a moment. In three days you will be better.
But during this weird moment, the moment in which you feel like even yourself could forget about you. You just feel invisible and unusual. Feel like your life is just a piece of shit and that if it had to stay like this forever you don't understand how you could ever be this winner between the billion of things that run to aim your mom's inside... Everybody says that you're here for something... Is that something a life with no real interest? I only live cool stuffs daydreaming. I left my passion behind when I left high school. No more dramaclub to let me think that I'm here to do something. That I can do something I like, even if the text isn't that good, I like these moments. I liked. Those hours spent on working with an actor, hours spent on changing the way I was supposed to say "hello", the way I was supposed to stand on a chair, a leg up in the hair, the other trying to stay on the chair.
This past month, the only adjective I find to describe my life is "shit". Since I came back from my holidays worthy of the name, everything seems bittersweet. I didn't find no one to make me think that maybe my boy there wasn't that good... In fact everything makes me think that he was so hot and that I still think of him really often but that I don't have any news so it's true the distance is terrible even for friendships! I feel like I have nothing to tell, I live nothing. I just wake up every fucking morning to go to school, to prepare my future without having any present.
Is that life? Well, I knew it better! It's just a moment, but what a fucking moment!
I just want something to trigger, something to move me up from the inside, something cool and nice.
Someone in my family died this past week end. My aunt's mom. I'm sad and may her rest in peace and may God carry her. My aunt is someone always happy, she's always kidding and goofing, she has always the world to make you laugh. Imagining her in pain is really awful. And imagining living without a mom is just terrible. It make me realise again, after I lose my grandpa' 9 years ago, that life can take you someone off without a sign. They just go and you stay with this unbearable feeling of incomplete. This terrible miss. Not like when you miss a friend you can see tomorrow if you just move your butt. This miss will be forever. And it's a terrible feeling. Really frustrating.
Life is too short to be screwed up, to be qualified like shit. So I just want my life to move up, to be interesting. Staying a moment without nothing interesting to tell, nothing that makes people say "wow!!!! incredible". Like Demi says in "Wanna give your heart a break" :
"There's just one life to live, and there's no time to wait, to waste..."
 I don't wanna lose anytime. Life is something precious. I can't believe we are here to be borred. There is too much to do, to live, to know... So many feelings to discover, to reknow and relearn.
I don't wanna say that my life wasn't worth it. Every life is worth it if God gave it to you.
I just need to be "a little more free" and to "elevate a little higher" and everything will be okay.
Hope my "eventless" moment will be over soon...

LOVE,
xxx
-Jess.

This Kiss, I Almost Said it … -J

My first double titled post! My title is composed by two songs : This Kiss and I Almost Said It, both are from Carly Rae Jepsen's new album ('KISS') I got the day it went out! The album is good, some songs are catchy and others really sweet (thinking about her duet with J.Bieber!)... Anyway! I couldn't decide between the two songs, so I took both! The first is catchy and danceable, the other is sweet and slow. They are perfect for what I'm gonna tell, it's all about being excited and totally soft. You'll understand and make you feel more secure, maybe, if you keep reading my post ;).

This kiss is something I can't resist
Your lips are undeniable
This kiss is something I can't risk
Your heart is unreliable
Something so sentimental
You make so detrimental
And I wish it didn't feel like this
Cause I don't wanna miss this kiss
I don't wanna miss this kiss

You know you're just my type
And your eyes are lock and key, to my heart
Tempting my confession
And you're a real hot thing
...
And you, I'm dancing to where you are
And your dancing to where I am
We're taking it way too far
But I don't want it to end

 

I always want more
I'm never gonna get it
You're gonna be the one I never got that got away
And I'll regret it
Just a moment in time
But I can't forget it
Yeah, we almost said it
If this is love, ooh
I should be dying
But I'm going downtown like I still care
Like I'm still trying
I said I was over you but I'm lying
There, I almost said it
…
Oh, when will you wake up and get it
This close, we almost said it
…
It's in my body language, read me
We were this close
This close, yeah
And it's like every time you look at me
I say it silently
Oh, wake up, baby, come and get it
This close, we almost said it
…
That still means someday you might be
Oh, this close, yeah, yeah
…
We were just this close but we couldn't say it
We were this close

So here! Hope with the lyrics you understood what I couldn't confess. The details. Why I am so stuck on what happened with this guy. Here it goes.
I'm not use to be that stuck on this kind of stories. Like I said before, in other posts, what I did was supposed to be something without sence, without signification. It was. Until I thought and thought and got that he was blowing my mind. Nothing was is it. He was the only thing left in there. Stupid me. It was a game. I use to be good at games like these. I couldn't be catch. But this time I lose.

 Nano made a post for all the girl who feel insecure... And here goes something that can maybe help you too...
I use to feel insecure. Always. Everyday. I can't look at me in the mirror withour thinking "how the fuck can I dare going out?". Shapes, you know...
But even if you think the worse things about you, there will always be people who will think you are not that bad, or that will look only the what you have to give, what you are inside.
I won't say that that summer was the first time I got a boy interested in me. That's not true, I do have some boys who asked me out, tried things or whatever (see, you guys don't have to worry ;)).
But they never saw me the way this man saw me. Wearing shorts, without make up after really short after-parties-nights (I only wear make up for two years... So TONS of people, well, my entiere high school, saw me without make up... But at that time I used to sleep a little more!), when I just got up, he heard my rough english... Well in fact it was just like we were living together... He just didn't see me in my pjs (Thanks God! lmao). And even after seeing what for me it's the worse of me, he still did what he did. "We were just that close....yeah, just that close". And this cancels on all the other boys I knew! Because they liked me but they always saw me in jeans, almost prepared, etc. He didn't. Okay... It sounds stupid, maybe he was just like the other boys that I used to know...
But he had something more, he was older (not like 10years older than me... just about...4/5 years more), he was really, really, really beautiful, he wasn't french, he was sweet and fierce, he had those sweet hands, theses incredible eyes... Anyway he was more than all the boys I had a crush on before.
And I never imagined we could feel the same because the way I was... I mean, there were so many beautiful girls, they were shaped just like models and I was like... like me. It wasn't like in high school were there was a few choice for the guys... He had an amazing board of girls. Pretty, tall, thin, sexy girls.
He made me feel good for a moment. A short/long moment. A moment that was independant from the time, from the space. I was just with him. The other disapeared. The music stopped. There was nothing left. Just us.

That game turned bad for me. But at least, for you guys reading it, it can make you know that even the cutest guy, the one better than your boyfriend (who is good), the one super hot. THE MAN! He can be interested by you and not your model friend, not the hot blond walking in high heels down the streets, this perfectly secure girl... No, you. Just you.
Trust it and it can be true.
And remember some guys said this :


LOVE and KISS
xxx
-Jess.

"So What?!" —J.

Don't need to tell you that So What?! is that crazy song by P!nk. This girl is just so delusional! I love her style, the way she acts in her music videos, she's is just incredible! Anyway, P!nk reminds me a lot of good moments I spent, so a few minutes ago I was stuck with the title, so I decided not to take a music that will have a lyrics that reminds me the topic I wanna expose, but just a song I like and that make me feel good and happy. So here it is, P!nk, SO WHAT?!

I have severals things I want to write about today!
First one good new, for me : I finally found a school! :) YAY! I won't have to listen my dad say "Jessica?! hmm, for the moment she doesn't do anything…She's waiting for a school that can take her, but they are all full..!" with this regret and disapointment in his voice... Finally he can be proud of me! :) And for me that means a lot, even if I'm not always great with him, I often desagree his decisions about me and my lifestyle. Anyways, he is my dad and I want him to be proud.

More about family, but now not "home-family". These past two saturdays I visit family I didn't see for a whiiiiiiiiile! Two weeks ago it was my godfather and godmother. It was nice to see them after that long! They have 3 children. The girl is 18, the boy is 14 and the little boy is 5. They are so cute.
And last week it was my father's cousins. We used to leave in the same building for 5 years. But it was like 8 years ago. But I spent my childwood with their son. My cousin. 2 years younger than me. He is cool. He made me laugh, juste like my godfather's older son.
It makes me see how cool it feels to share some good moments with your fam. They are very important. And if you have the chance to be close to them, don't screw up. Even family can't rule your entiere life, and friends are super important too, friends won't replace your family. And your family won't replace your friends. Even if you consider your friends like your fam and your fam like your friends. We need both, I guess.
I know I'm really lucky to have such a big family, cousins everywhere! I'm sure when I'm spending time in Portugal I met with some people I don't know and that actually are members of my "gang" ! lmao

Talking about Portugal...
Just like I said in my lastest tweets I was supposed to spent some days these coming weeks. Just to visit my grandma' and my two cousins I only saw 2 days because we had to leave to go my other grandpas' city. But that was planned because I was a school-less girl. And as I'm not anymore, my little days of holidays were canceled... Anyway, I didn't even take a ticket for a flight or something.
But I would have enjoy to spent some days there. Let's be clear, I love Portugal... Just not when I HAVE to go, and not during summer.
Summer is great for the weather, it's hot, sunny, you can't enjoy everything you want, it's summer you can't do whatever (or not) you want!
But during Summer, there are too many french people! I see them all year long here, so guys, just go please and let me enjoy the real Portugal, not your screwed up accent and your bullshits and crazy needs to be just as tanned as burnt steak! Please!
So I would have enjoy some days in september/october there! AMAZING! Without my parents I would have be free, out all day, visiting the town, hanging around to find some cool-real-portuguese to talk with... Visit some bars I don't know... Party like I never did in Portugal because I wasn't old enough... LIFE! :)
But well, it's bittersweet to talk about it knowing that this little freedom moment is out of project now..! Or maybe I can runaway with my car?! But if I do, I'll stop WAAAAAAAY before Portugal. Spain will be enough. More I didn't really get to meet Spanish people this summer... Spanish run away from Spain during summer or what?! lmao. I would like to turn back, but not in summer... Just to see the real Spanish culture, way of living and not only for clubs and parties! (even if this is an AMAZINGLY CRAZY PART!!!!!!) Anyway!
Won't talk too much more... I have another idea of post I couldn't mix with this one... And a brand new title lmao! CRJ made some cool stuffs for the new album! :)

I'm coming back soon with something maybe more interesting! ;)

LOVE and KISSES 

xxx

—Jess.

Istambul, Turkey 2012. -N

Hi guys, Nano here, so I just finished The Newsroom first season and you guys know this feeling we get when a show ends? Yeah, it's like a depression. This show isn't like the others and this is what I loved about that. I learnt a lot about America's history and this is a lot because I really needed that for school. Ok, I'm done with that.

I realized that I still didn't talk about my trip last week. You know when you get back from vacations, all you want is keep all the memories in your heart because we all know that no matter what hapens, vacations are always amazing. The thing is I had a lack of inspiration and I got mad so I didn't wanna talk about a thing. But I'm okay now. So here.

I went to Istambul, in Turkey. You know this country was once the biggest empire of the world. It was the most powerful and the richest. So, hell yeah, I didn't except to see all the stuffs I saw there. I even cried in one of the museum. (I love History and I often ger overwhelmed, lol). Anyways, we visited sereval mosques which were SO BEAUTIFUL, (I'll try to show you pics), they were huge, and the details were so meticulous (I know, this is a pleonasm) that I was just amazed. So we prayed, in each of them and it was just an awesome thing to do.

We also visited several huge sultans' palace. And how to say.... if you think Bill Gates has money, just go and see these palaces because OH MY GOD PEOPLE REALLY LIVED THERE! You have in each of them a beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL view on the Bosphorus, and one of the palace was one museum in which there were several rooms. And in one room, we could find some of the weapons of the soldiers and sultans. There were guns, swords, axes, sabres. I seriously stayed forty-five minutes in this little room. My friends thought they lost me, but I just kept on watching, that was so beautiful.
Moreover, yes this is not over, (you can leave the page if you want but you're gonna miss some good things), I saw for real, Moises' stick that seperated the mar in two, and several things that belonged to our Prophet Muhammad (May Peace be on both of them).
I know some of you guys don't believe in all these religious things, but this was the museum of my life!

So, now, the funny part, if you're still here, congrats, you managed to survive to my crazy love about History and patrimony. People there were pretty nice... ok they were nice because we were five young girls. They really love flirting. How many requests did I get? I don't know, that was just really funny. One shopkeeper invited me to drink turkish tea, I said no, he asked again with apple tea, I said no again, I hate tea. He asked me again with menthol tea! Haha this dude was crazy, but he was not the only one. I get called princess a lot (ok, I had a flower crown on my head but that doesn't mean a thing! :o)
One of the receptionist if the hotel tried to marry my sister... Ok I won't tell everything that happened, it'd be first too long, and also... What happened in Turkey, Stays in Turkey!

We also had the biggest room of the hotel because the manager got wrong, hahaha, we had a really nice view of the Boshporus. That was the time of my life.
Ok, I'm gonna stop now, hope you read it entirely, hope you like it.

Good night,
Nano
From FrenchiesInLa

"Illegal" —Jess.

Illegal is a song excerpt from Shakira's album Oral Fixation. I love this song. The lyrics are strong, the chorus always makes me quiver. I didn't really know what song title could represent the most what I was going to talk about in my post... So I decided that the part "It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart" was the most representative... Even if I'm not only talking about love here.

"You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart"

   Shakira - Oral Fixation Vol.2 - 3 - Illegal (Feat. Carlos Santana) by dke46

Before I start with the big stuffs, I would like to say that it should be illegal to be as sexy as Logan Henderson is! Today, this amazing creature turns 23. So even if he won't see it : Happy Birthday Logan! "voilà!"

And now... Well, you already know that. I'm always thinking about the same "thing" (Oh!)... him.

Still thinking about how hard is to be dumpt by a friend... even if we weren't friends for years… It's still super tiresome and hurtful! 

More that I know that with him I could be talking about something that annoys me a lot those days.
My best friend (not Nano, another one.) is weird... Well to let you understand I'll go a little bit in the past. Just a little!
Last year, was our senior year. We got our graduation and go to College. In this "we" my bestfriend (girl), that I will name E., wasn't included. She had to repeat senior year because she didn't get her graduation. So while repeating, she had (obviously) new classmates. In these classmates was a boy that I will name I.. E and I became friends. But this guy was always strange. He uses to lie about tons of things, to talk in people's backs (not as you and me could do, I swear!).
Anyway, she always told me that she will keep on being suspicious about him.
Now that her senior year is over they aren't in the same school anymore. But he wanted to see her again and again. She told me that she thought that after senior year he won't call her again. But weel, so they keep on meeting often. And now she seems different.
She tells me things like "You know, when you are with a guy like him, beautiful and swaggy, you feel cool yourself", and "I feel confident because I asked him if I looked like the strange girl from our class he would talk to me he said no, it means that he thinks I am cool and ... I don't know" ... Well so what she "doesn't know" is that she doesn't want to admit that he makes her feel beautiful and more confident about herself. Great... But that changes her A LOT! 

The fact that if she wasn't rich, good looking with expansive clothes, he won't talk to her. Wow, this guy totally understood the meaning of life. JERK!
He is totally superficial. It's true, he is handsome and has swagg. But he is stupid, liar, narcissic, egocentric and superficial. 

I told E "this guy must be nice if you guys are friends... But I think he is just a shell. An empty shell. I think he is just beautiful. But in the inside, I'm not sure he is someone exceptional."
She always told me that I was right. But she keep on answering every text he sent her even if people (I) are talking to her... So she doesn't really pay attention to what you're saying to her. I even start to think that she's becoming more superficial.
This guys has a bad influence on her. He has a bad influence on MY bestfriend. Her, that always told me that she will never change for a guy. He is not even her boyfriend that she's already changing... I'm really affraid.
And a friend she has (boy) that I also know say the same to her. He told her the same things I did. 

The guy that gave up on our friendship this summer told her the same. 

The worst is that she KNOWS it! But I know why she doesn't want her friendship with I. stops. Because with him she feels swaggy, beautiful.
Can't her find a normal guy that makes her feel like that?! I don't know how to explain how I feel inside. I want to kick her, to make her understand. To have MY E. back! Not that superficial girl that only thinks about having the new phone, to be great looking, to have perfect colored hair... I don't like her as much as I love my E. the one who makes me laugh, the one who came to school with her sportwear saying "hmmm what the fuck, it's just high school"... Even if my real E. was a little bit superficial it wasn't a big deal...  I want her back.
And I know that if the boy that doesn't want to speak to me anymore was still here I could do something to change it. Because he wasn't affraid to say to her "Don't you see that he is a jerk? You stay with a jerk? You want to be a jerk like him? Well, keep on staying with him so...".
I can't say that to her because she will think that I don't want her to feel good in her body, that I al jealous, maybe... I will never be jealous of having a friend that thinks that having a pair of Nike is more important that having humans worths. 

I am sorry I told you that. But I had to free myself. I'm disturbed about having a friend that is becoming weird because of a jerk! It's so annoying! 

The guy didn't seem to be that stupid, but it's even more terrible that I see how much he is superficial by seeing how my friend is becoming... I'm affraid she won't see that he doesn't worth it. 

Anyway... After friendship... nothing special.
I still think about him. More that Logan turned 23. They were born the same year, I just got that. It means I could be dating Logan... (Logan if you see it and want to try something... Call me... maybe.!)

Yeah, this summer I met a lot of boys (men? no boys... I dunno!) who were about 20/24 years old. Two of them were in my work they asked my age and when I told them "I'm 19" they say "Oww... I thought you were at least 20 or 21!" (thanks?! lol Whe you are young you think it's cool to look older... let's talk about it in 20 years, girls! ;)). But some people, most of the time the family I see once a year, keep on asking "how old are you now..? sixt... OOOOH! Nineteen???! (like WTF?!! her? 19?) good girl!!" lmao!
Anyway, it's not important to look like a 16 year old girl or like a 21 year old young woman... Does it? LOL
What I can't bear is 16 year old girls wearing waaaaaaay too much make up! It's like "Girl, you didn't put enough, your face is still visible!". Or wearing clothes like 20... No wait, even 20 year old girl won't wear that. Or maybe 20 year old whores... MAYBE! ;)
Not wanting to be bad, sorry! ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN, LOGAN! ♥

LOVE TO ALL OF YOU,

—Jessica. (click and visit my tumblr! I post photos I took during trips or just for fun!)

"Something's Triggered" by Jess.

Something's Triggered, isn't a known song, I guess. I heard it for the first time in a Spanish movie. And even if it doesn't seem to be the kind of song people likes to listen, I felt in love with the song because of the movie. A love story. And the lyrics are sweet. And well, it's relaxing and makes me think about a lot.

"I guess you are thinking of my now
And you know that I’m thinking of you
Baby pleased love me one more time
‘Cause you know that you are the only one
And I say oh believe me
‘Cause you are the one
...
I need you every day and every night
Something’s triggered when I look at you
I’m in peace when I’m in your arms
And I’m happy because I feel free
And I say oh love me
`Cause you are for me and I’m yours
…
Trust your feelings, just let yourself go
Remember when your heart start to beat so hard
…
And I say oh believe me
‘Cause you are for me and I’m yours
And I say believe me
`Cause you are the one"

(Press the ► to play)

 These days the only things that happen to me are in my thoughts, the only things I'm living are memories. It hurts. Not only because my life isn't as interesting as it could have been this summer. But because living in memories aren't good for your mental health.
Nano took a break with her sister and her sister's bestfriend. I'm so glad for her because she didn't had one week of going away since the beginning of the summer. (Enjoy your trip, sweetie ♥)
But knowing her away, probably under the sun, makes me think more about how good I was this summer. No stress, no dubts... Some regrets...
I use to say that regrets aren't good. Carpe Diem is the right thing. Live the present, screw the future (yes, it's a new version... A new way to express this old Horace thing!). You don't need regrets if what you did don't act in a bad way on you actual present. Some things are actually acting on my present. In a mental way. Not big deal. Always the same things, you know. But I understood today why I needed to write and rewrite about it. It's because I didn't express perfectly what I wanted to express. I can't. I can't tell the details. It would be weird. And if I'm that stuck, it's because in a way, I couldn't express it all.
I feel frustruated. Frustrated because I did something I wasn't supposed to stay stuck on. Something I did for fun, and that finally grabed my heart and head. This is THE thing that annoys me. I made it for fun, to enjoy the moment… not to be thinking about it one month, day per day, ago (well, actually it was about 3am in the night of the 10th... So yes, 11th in the early morning? WHATEVER?!).
Anyways. I was supposed to pass by the event. Turn page. Write something new and different and see! It's my 6th entry since I'm back and I'm still talking about the same thing! I need to express myself writing, or I'll turn crazy! Dude, I listen to LOVE SONGS! PLEASE! HELP!!!!
I love love songs... It always reminds me a lot, but well... It's not the only thing I listen. These days (to not say this month...) I look for every single love song of my iTunes! PLEASE, someone call a doctor!
Anyways! I'll try to tell all the details in my "memories", the stuff I'm doing to write all my journeys of my week with my friends. I didn't end the thing yet. I'll try to calm my nerves in it more than here, because I feel that it is hard to bear!

Anyways… I thought about others things, be calm! Since Spring, I use to talk a lot with a dude I met thanks to my bf. He was really funny, we talked a lot about everything and nothing! He was really cool. Even if we didn't have nothing to say anymore we always found something new. It was easy to talk with him. He was a cool friend. But before summer holidays, he sent me a text saying a lot of good stuffs… Things I won't say because it's awkward. And then he ended up his text saying farewell (goodbye forever). And I was like WTF?! It isn't the first time a dude stop to talk with me, or just don't wanna be my friend because they want something more that I don't wanna give. I think friends are super important. Isn't better to have a friend than nothing? Well, he (/they) chose nothing.
It hurts. I feel hurt. Why? Why do pleasant things have to stop this way for this kind of bullshits!?
I felt a lake. I mean, we used to talk everyday. We could talk about everything. And it's cool to talk about guys' everything. It's different than with girls. And I need both. But it always ends with boys. I don't understand. I felt terrible! More my bf tried to understand why he didn't want to talk to me anymore acting as if she didn't read the text he sent me. When she said "dude, what's up with Jess, you guys don't talk anymore for a while no?" and he replied "Who is Jess? Don't know anyone with this name.". I laughed when I knew that. And after I felt sad, because lossing a friend because he feels more than just friendship is stupid. I think it's stupid. I mean when I feel something more for a friend, I don't say a word and just keep on a great friendly way with him…
I started to forgot until a few days ago, when I grab my phone and was almost writing "I miss our talks". But it will be wrong. He won't reply, and it will be worse. More, I don't want to make him think that I want more from him too. Because it won't be true. And I don't want him to suffer this situation, but I was good with his friendship.

Anyway, it's complicated. Like the rest, I will forget. Put it in a corner of my memory and think about it sometimes. But with years pain go away... I think.
Even if memories are only to lament. They also bring back the best you lived.

LOVE,
—Jessica.

"All Over Again" by Jess.

As you can see it in the title, I'm back with a Big Time Rush song : All Over Again ! I had to find one of their song that will express what I am feeling. It's not difficult. The most difficult was to pick only one song! lol
So here we go ... (Press play! ☺)

Yesterday I went to see my family in a little town super calm. It was really relaxing to escape my town that I'm fed up to live in. So I had a really good time.
I went back home at 3am after driving for one hour in countryside roads by night. I love that feeling of being alone and just crossing few cars. So I was super relaxed and tired. I enter my room, take off my phone from my bag and see many new text messages. On new of Nano. I open it. What I discovered made me forget about the relaxed and tired parts of me:

"Daddy Pena just told me the guys will come next year, I'm breathless"

(The guys = Kendall, Logan, Carlos and James, the four awesome members of BIG TIME RUSH!)
And so I was. My heart started to beat faster and slower at the same time. I was to shocked to scream or the use my bed as a trampoline.
I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THE GUYS ARE COMING TO FRANCE! FRANCE, OUR COUNTRY, WHERE WE FUCKING LIVE! (sorry for the fucking thing!)
I was really living something unreal! We dream about this venue for more than one year and a half!
I imagined so many times my meeting with the guys! I already wrote one of my biggest dream in the blog : "I had a Dream"
And all the images I saw of the boys in stage came back to my mind. But this time, I was in the crowd. It was an American nor Canadian audience. It was us. Just a few of you guys, Nano and I.
And then I tried to stop thinking about it. Pain is fuel, but it's still painful.
So I hope this to be true. I hope I'll realize one of my dreams.
Please, if you are planing to see one of BTR show listen to some advices I'll give to you if you don't wanna break up some dreams and some nerves :
Don't bring signs to say "Marry me" or something. Or if you do stay in the bottom of the theater. Why? Because people who stand up behind you can't see the stage if you have your signs in the air. It's the only reason :)
Don't sing too loud if you are out of tune... I was next to someone out of tune at one concert... And it was kind of not super cool! lmao (kidding, huh! Of course you can sing... but not next to me :D kidding again!)
Don't threw your bra! Even if Kendall's face is epic. The guys are respectfull. Just act the same.
And now I'll stop or much people will start to think that I am a crazy tyrant. I'm not, I swear. I just like respect in big meetings like concerts... or just in the subway! Respect is important to me.

Anyways! The song All Over Again makes me think about much more than only the BTR... How do you know I was talking about the dude I met in Spain?!! LMAO
Seriously. I don't wanna be annoying or something. It's just that everytime I remember him "it's like I'm falling in love all over again for the first time"... And you know what it feels like, huh?!
Really I'm falling in love and just feel the same way I felt on the instant T, the moment I was with him. All is coming right back to me. Like when you are at the beach, in the ocean, your body is half in the water. Someone calls your name, you turn your back to the ocean and face the beach, looking for who screamed your name. You turn back again to face the infinity of the ocean and then, before you could turn entierely your body, a big wave raises up and hit you before you could see it coming to you. And then you just have your entiere self under the water, submerged by it. And you can't do anything. You just wait the ebb tide of the waves to finally come back to the surface.
It's the same with the memories or the thoughts. They take you, and often they bring you down. You just have to wait the right moment to come up.
When I don't think about it, I'm great, I don't even think of him. But then something, a little stuff reminds me of him and then the wave hits me. It lasts a few minutes and I'm right back. Back to real life. It's like a nightmare. Or better a dream. The nightmare is the real life.
For example now, I'm thinking about him, but it's not like I told before... Because the wave can't hit me. Because I'm writing, controling myself. I own me now... But maybe in a few minutes, when I'll be looking for who called my name I'll be hit again. But it will be sweet. Sweet and sour. Like pleasant and painful.
But a few seconds after, I'll be good again.
I kinda like this feeling. The pain that makes you feel good. Just like Bella said in New Moon when she does dangerous things to see/hear Edward, she tries to find anything dangerous to see him even if it hurts.
It's like an illness and a medicinal at the same time. At least memories proves that the thing happened.

"...The absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I'm glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real..."
 —Bella Swann, New Moon.

LOVE,

Jessica.

"Bucket", by Jess.

Bucket is a song often unknown by Carly Rae Jepsen. I think she has a really cute voice. This song doesn't really speak about something I'm talking about in this entry. Just that I do have a bucket full of things. And there is a hole in it, just like in the song. But what go out from my bucket is thoughts  and order. I don't have a particular thing I want to talk about. Just tons of things that are on my mind now. And I have to let go some of those things. So here are they... (Click on the black frame to play Bucket!)

First of all, those days I learnt that school wasn't just about being a good student, having good grades, got your graduation with a mention. It's about luck, and possibilities. So, if I can give you an advice, not from me, but from French Academies that take care of schools : don't mess up with your first year after your graduation. If you take something, just keep in mind that if you wanna change your way (which is absolutly normal), it will be a big mess and you will probably stay thinking that while your family and teachers were seeing something brilliant to you, you'll end up with a worse job than the biggest looser of your town!
Don't cry... I already did and it didn't change. Just have to say something, even if I love my country, because well... it's mine : FUCK FRENCH SCHOLARSHIP!!!! Said! :)

With my mom, earlier, we were watching this stupid programm that make all our folks think that we all consume drugs, have sex at 12 and say that we are going to sleep to a friend's while in fact you are drunk, dancing sexy in a club. So, my mom and I were watching this, and it was about youngs and alcohol. YAY! Happily, I never came back home drunk, not completly at least... Anyway!
I love partying, I love to enjoy life and do stupid things that I may regret, but that I don't wanna regret in the way that I never did them. And even I was totally shocked to see 15 or 16 year old girls in hospital, threwing up everything they drunk in their hair and their clothes. I was more shocked than disgusted. And even if I like to enjoy life and be stupid I know that I can do all without drinking!
I won't lie saying that I never touched alcohol in my life. But sincerely you can have a really better time being clean than being drunk. Is it really fun to threw up on your friends while talking... Or trying to talk. Yes, try to talk with 5 cups of mixed alcohol. You talk, yes, but you say things before your brain can anylise them. So I think that it depends on your definition of "fun", but I don't think alcohol should be a synonym.

SORRY ABOUT THIS LESSON!!!

What I really wanted to say is that doctors said that young people started to drink to forget the real world, the problems. Some parents will say "hmmm, what problems? Real world of what? High School? I'll die to go back to high school!". So, I don't think there are parents here but anyway : yes, we do have problems. They are not about how we will get to pay the rent at the end of the month... It's maybe about stupid things, but for us, it's a lot!
And yes, prisely, if you parents, go back to high school you will die. Because it's not heaven. Or maybe you wanna do our homeworks and try to think about "Can a human be called a machine?" "Is it essential to forget the past if you want to build a future?" WHO THE FUCK REALLY KNOWS?

Anyway! :) Now comes the ROMANCE part! ♡♡♡

I'm still thinking about my guy... Yes MY. And what? I tried to forget him with the guys (BTR, who else?!!), but it was vain.
I also have daydreams while I'm awake in my bed. I "daydream" that I meet him in Paris, while walking in a parc. And then we spent some days together, get married and have children. Kidding, it stops right after "spent some days together" !!
I also told on twitter that I'm writing my holidays just as if it was a novel. But I don't wanna publish it or anything... You crazy! If my parents read just even the first page, I can dig my grave! (kidding! ... just a little!)
So well, for the moment I wrote 10 pages, 3856 words and I just began the THIRD day! So I'm not done with that!
I'm upset because I don't remember the exact days of some events! lol IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!
But anyway, I can't wait to start to write about this day I met my handsome boy! :) I'm crazy, but the hour plays a lot... (What only 00AM? ... Well, I had a pretty long day! hihi).
I slowly forget about it all. Don't worry for my mental health, I am quite ... unwell, but it's usely! I was born this way (yeah, ooh there ain't no other way, baby I was born this wayyyyyy!)...
I wanted to say something more... but I don't remember... Maybe because it's wasn't someting important ("so why did you write this full entry? It's full of bullshits!").

YES! I was watching Adam Levine's appearance on "Jay Leno Last Night". He was talking about his fears... and GUESS WHAT!!!! We have exactly the same! He said that he was afraid of airplane, sharks and bees!!
I don't like airplanes, but I love traveling! And I would like to go far far away!!! So I'm scared but I'm trying to fight it!
Sharks just terrorize me! I can have a panic attac just seeing one at tv!
And bees because one day a complete apiary attacted me!! It was bad!
So Adam and I are really close, lmao! :D

Anyways. I should better stop because my "bucket" is full of bullshits!

Sorry! And sorry for the way I wrote this post. Kinda unusual. lol
Hope you liked it though!

LOVE,
—Jess.

Here's to all the girls who feel insecure. -N

I know how it feels like when nobody seems to understand you. I know how it feels like when some girls are laughing at you because you don't fit in. I know how it feels like when you're all alone in your room with the feeling that noboody likes you. It's pretty tough. And what my sister used to say when she read some texts I wrote when I was younger was "some people don't even have food, some kids are not even safe right now, they have a soldier in front of them ready to shoot and all you're thinking about is that? You have a family, health, security, stop complaining!"
She was right, this maybe was what woke me up. I was pretty hurt by what she said to me, but she was right, and she helped me to grow up. She helped me to become who I am today. But I'm not perfect, I still have a lot to fix.
 But just so you know, girls I know how you feel, and I know that the pain is pretty deep, and it's worse when you have nobody to talk to. Loneliness.
Yes, what's happening in some countries while I'm talking now is really, really bad. But that doesn't mean we can't be what we are. The teenage period is one of the hardest, your feelings increase a lot, and most of the time you can't handle this. So you just cry.
This text was just to tell you, that it's okay if you're not okay, if you're feeling ugly, fat, unloved, alone. Because we all felt this once. You're not alone. You're beautiful, and someday, some guy, the one made for you will tell you that and will mean it. Someday, somehow, you'll see the beauty of your life, and you'll thank God for that. It takes time. But it will come. Because everything we want is to be happy, right? Believe in it, that's what matters.
Xoxo Nano,

From FrenchiesinLA

"If I Never See Your Face Again" by Jess.

I'm back with one of my fave band : Maroon 5! If I Never See Your Face Again is the first song of their second album...

"Now you've gone somewhere else
Far away
I don't know if I will find you (find you, find you)
But you feel my breath
On your neck
Can't believe I'm right behind you (right behind you)
'Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don't mind
'Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight"

You'll probably think I'm super boring, always talking about the same thing(s). Yes. I am. It won't last forever. I swear. It's just that I'm writing a travel book about my trip. In fact I write it just as if I was writing a novel. Just for me. To read it when I will be older. And I have to remember everything. I can. But not day by day. For example I know I met those Spanish men... But which day? And it makes me sick! You know just like when you're trying to remember where you saw this person and can't remember it, but you keep on trying to remember until you got this terrible headache. This is what I walking by. And more I try to remember the details of the days, more I have this night coming back. With new details, things my mind tried to hide but that I keep on remembering. Everytime it's more precise. More intense, like if I was living it twice. And now I know why I am obssessed.
I'm this kind of girl that can become attached to someone very easily (I try to stop being like that.). It's really anoying! Because I grow found to someone even if it's not for love. I mean, even just friendly. Even more. I don't fall in love easily (hahummmmm!!!!) but I can become friendly very very easily! And that's what happened. I don't LOVE him. I didn't spent enough time with him to become that addicted. It's just that I like him like I could like a friend. But now, I know that I won"t see him. Never more. And it's just like when you loose someone. The lack appears. And you can't fight it. It will disappear, in this case. But it still frustrating. And I'm sorry I only talk about this misterious "him". But well, I have to express it. Or I will become crazy. I just miss him. Like I miss my holidays there. I so miss them that I would like to move from here. Get a job there, find a flat. Stay for six month. Just enough time to kill the lack, the miss I'm seriously developping. I want to get sick of this town. Get so sick that I will say to people "yeah, it's a great city, but you know, I've been there for too long and I just wanna change.". And I would like to trust it. 

Missing someone is something you can get used to. It's natural. Missing a city it's... weird. I miss the streets, the hotel... And more the atmosphere, the well it was to live together, with this unknown people, the new faces you met everyday on the elevators, saying "hello" and "See you soon", never see them again and missing their face even if you don't even know their name. This atmosphere of peace. Just feeling like the world was perfect. Wars were over for one week. I was in another world. It was so cool. That's what I'm missing. I'm missing him and this freaking genius town. 

I don't know how many time I said that. I don't know how many times I will repeat it (maybe not much, I don't wanna look boring!). 

"Now you've gone somewhere else
Far away

...

  And if I never see your face again
I don't mind
'Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight"

I guess everything is writing up there. In the form. The content has a little bit more of hand-ups. Hang-ups than are inside of me. And that I cannot explain myself.

Complicatedly,

Jessica.