I needed to write tonight. And i needed to write about the project i have with Nano.
I prefer to talk about project and not about dream, even if this is definitly the dream of our lives.
I needed to write because those days i've been thinking a lot about it. I'm hating more and more college and i'm needing more and more being into something i really love and i can't live without (No, this time it won't be Big Time Rush! :)) : Acting.
And those days i was wondering to myself "What do you really want ? How do you imagine your life ?". And the answer was just simple "I want to act. I want to be an actress and then, make my life as an actress and have a 'normal' life, with a husband and children running in a cosy appartment".
But the thing that totally scares me is that i couldn't imagine my life being different. I just can't. Of course i can imagine myself being an anonym and having crushed my dream, but it looks like a 35 year-old woman, with 2 or 3 children doing ... NOTHING !
I want "acting" to be my job ! I can't do anything else ! I can't and I DON'T WANT TO !
My parents think i'm crazy. But they're parents and they can't told me "Aw, Jess, that's amazing you wanna be an actress ! Go ! Live your life and have fun". They can't because they're parents, they live in France, they don't understand the "acting world" and they absolutly ignore what "American Dream" means.
Sometimes I talk about the fact that I'll live in America for a year (or much more) with them. And I know that they don't really trust me. They think I can't live far from home. But OH BOY ! I DO CAN !
And when I say that I'll make auditions with Nano and that we'll do anything to be actresses my mom tells me "It's good to have dreams, but they're just dreams".
It doesn't really matter. I don't pay attention to what people say, even if they're my parents because I know my parents aren't the type of parents who will be happy to see that their daughter wants to enter the Hollywood World. My parents are out of everything which touch art, they don't think someone of our family can get to be musician, singer, actress or something else like that because to their opinion, those are jobs for the others.
And my mom has this stereotype of "His is a singer ? Aw ! He takes tons of drugs to do what it does, ya know, honey !?". Mom, artists aren't all drugaddicts !
Well, everything to say that i just don't imagine myself in another way. When i try to imagine me in 2 years, i have this total blank, I just can see Nano and I walking through Los Angeles, going out of an audition with a part and a contract for our own serie about two french girls coming to Hollywood and seeing they dream come true :Our story.
You may think that's terrible to be like me at 18', that I should be able to think properly and be able to make distinction between dreams and reality. But I do know make the difference.
They are the dreams you always have by night like you saying "FUCK OFF" to your parents, and they are our lifedreams, the dreams that built your life and those dreams are also life-projects !
And if you don't have dreams you are probably one of the sadest people on Earth.
I just can't see my life without acting. That's impossible.
I'm gonna do my best. I'm gonna fight to make it happened. And i trust it more than before because I have someone with me : Nano, thanks for being here everyday, to make me think it's possible. Without you I'll probably think my life just has to be that way, in this fucking college, doing things I hate and being just half of me. Thank you.
Thanks for reading.
xxx
-Jessica.
