Hi !
It's 1:40AM and i really can't sleep. I guess after having said what's on my heart it will be easier.
So let's go :
I feel terrible. I can't even support to live in my house, with my parents.
I've got this fucking dinner with my family, but I was invited to a party too... and even if i was happy to see my cousin's girlfriend, i should have been happier to see all my friends i haven't seen for a long long time. And my parents told me that wasn't correct to cancel my presence to the dinner just like that "because" of a party.
Ok, I know, it's rude. But what the hell ? I wanna see my friends, is that something bad or even difficult to understand ? That seem to be such a big deal for my parents !
I know it's kinda kiddish to be mad for something like that. But in fact, isn't JUST because of what happened today. It's just an accumulation. I'm fed up that my parents have to take decisions for me. I'm not a kid anymore. I can just live my life the way I want to do, respecting them, of course, cause i'm still living in there house. But living in their house (which is kind of mine too...) doesn't mean the rules are just theirs. I mean, they can't control my life. I don't want them to.
I've always been the kind of people who feels free. but with them, i've never be as free as i wanted.
Parents are here to take care of you, to help you in your life, to make you feel good and confortable, to put you in the right way...
My parents are really goods... but not for the part of the "go on". Means that parents have to let their child go on with his own stuffs. Mines don't get that part. They think they own me like... forever !
And they don't get that more you tell me not to do something and more it'll be tasting for me to do this.
There's a song that actually is exactly what i'm feeling :
"Te juro que intenté avisar
que llegaria tarde
Por mas que intento explicar
no dejas de agoviarme
Ya no me llames por favor
no puedes ayudarme
Me encerraré en mi habitación
para no ver a nadie
Quiero que me dejes salir
no puedo controlar mi cuerpo
todo lo que quiero es bailar.
Quiero que me dejes salir
si no quieres que me porte mal
me voy a revelar, dejame en paz"
in English :
"I swear i tryied to warn
that i'll come late
For the much i try to explain
You don't stop opressing me
Don't call me please
You can't help
I'll lock myself in my room
To don't see anyone
I want you to let me go out
I can't control my body
All i want is to dance
I want you to let me go out
I you don't want me to be bad
I will reveal myself
Leave me alone."
I doesn't really make sence in english... but in spanish it's exactly what i feel.
More, your parents are supposed to know you. Mines don't get who I am.
They don't know me. They see me as their little daughter. They can't see i'm now 18 and that i've changed. My needs aren't the same. I need to go.
More they try to get me in, and more i feel like i'm "the badass seed".
So yeah, maybe i'm still having kids reactions. Maybe i'm like this "because of a party".
But it's just a lot of things that put me like this.
I needed this party. More than this dinner.
-Jessica.
