Full moon night. -J.

I'm writing with no aim, because I can't find a way to close my eyes and sleep.

Tomorow, I'll regret to haven't forced myself to sleep. I will be stone. Without being on anything. Maybe that's good. Being stone. Being half here, and half there. My parallel world in which I am the dance controller, in which things go as I want. That's a way better life, far from this one. Far from the real. Far from everyting and everyone I know.
I don't wanna sleep tonight because I'm affraid. I'm affraid I will never be the girl I wanted to be. In my mind, I could perfectly see myself with a perfect life... I could. And now, I'm supposed to live it, and there's nothing. I'm the girl affraid to face reality. Even if I act like the girl who has everything under control. That's a decoy. I always refused to appear weak. When people have dubts, I use to make them believe there are no reason to dubt, even if I dubt more than they do. I always wanted to be protective, don't want people to see my weaknesses, being the rude one, the girl who can't be hurt.
I will probably regret saying all that. I guess that faking you're super strong makes you be just strong, right? I'm not weak. But I'm not strong. I'm just a girl. Maybe a proud one.

I used to control my life much more than I do know. I used to handle everything. I was the leader of my life. Now I feel like I'm leaded. I hate it. I hate orders. I hate authority. I hate everything that can stop me from doing and being what I want to. And actually a lot is stopping me. My parents, school, and some persons... I don't know what I can do. The first thing that comes to my mind is to runaway. I don't think living under bridges would be a solution. To be a great absconder, you should better have a great bank account, or you would be a dirty absconder with greasy hair, dirty shoes and a smell that even you wouldn't bear. Another solution is a solution that I can't mentioned here, even as a joke it sounds morbid, and that's absolutely not a solution for this kind of case... or any else.
I don't have anything else. I can't find another way to avoid all the things that are making me feel insecure, not free and not me.
I do have a solution. And I'm not alone in this. There's Nano, the one who will always find the good words. But two years is long. Too long when you think that it will be two years of living the things we hate the most, the things that prevent us to live our dream.

I was born in the wrong place, and - even if I love them and that it hurts me to say it - in the wrong family. I love them, I respect them, and I'm very thanksful for what they've made of me - I think I'm someone with good values, someone that respect people and that deserve respect - but it's difficult to live everyday with people who are really different from you. Not that differences aren't good. They're great. But in a family, when a child has to be under his parents' authority and they these are too much different from the child, it's difficult. My family calls me Rebel. I'm the Wild Child, I fight authority. But my parents always taught me that when you can't live alone because you don't earn your own money, that you need people to live, dress, eat and sleep, these persons deserve all your respect and you must live under their rules. They aren't wrong in the absolut. So I have to be under they rules, because I owe them everything. And this, even if I'm turning 20 next year.
This makes me a little less free. I'm like a wild bird who was captured and put in a zoo. I'm not really happy, I'm not as free as I would like to be, I'm not flying as high as I can, but people are caring me, feeding me. You can't hate people who act for your good, even if they are acting wrong.
So what am I supposed to do? The solution seems easy. Leave. But to leave, I must find a work, earn a lot of money and go. I can't work while being at school.

Leave. Leave everything behind. I don't care. Missing is a feeling I can easily handle. I would miss my family, yes. I'll miss my friends, too. But it won't stop me. Nothing would stop me. Never.
I won't think about people. They won't wait for me to live things. I won't wait for them either. If you don't think about you, about your good, no one will. If I have to go, I will. The goodbye will be temporary, or definitive, I don't mind. Make your decision be more important than everything else.
You have nothing to lose because nothing is permanent.

Tomorrow... or in a few hours, it will be another day. A brand new one. I will be tired. I will probably do wrong things. But everybody makes mistakes. I haven't done a lot of mistakes in my life, I think. Everything wrong pace I made had took me to another place that was good, new and rewarding. Last year, I thought I had took myself to the wrong place going to college, but I met fabulous people that made me believe that I could make friends thanks to me, and only me, being just me, not someone's friend. Just me, myself. The silly me, the funny me, the me that was appreciated by others. It wasn't something wrong.
Maybe now, I can make mistakes, do crazy stuffs, prohibited stuffs, dangerous stuff. What can I lose? Nothing. Everything is to win.
Tonight, if I hadn't wrote this entry and if I was a little more brave, I would have took my phone and tape a message that would have sent me to troubles. I'm not outta this yet. I still have my phone nearly here. I still have some contacts that can make me spent time thinking about imaginary stuffs, being high, really high. But that would be against my values, against what my Dad wanted me to be.
Once, he said he would prefer to see me pregnant now than on drugs. I won't get pregnant, and so I won't do anything stupid to earn it easy.
The hour has something to do with what I'm writing, the gramatical and syntactical mistakes I'm making. I'm sorry. It's now 2:36 AM. I will try to sleep. Tomorrow... well, who knows, maybe the sky will fall, maybe I'll receive a call saying that I'm the lucky girl who won who knows which travel from who knows which game I haven't played. Maybe just tomorrow will be another normal day. I prefer normal days than disastrous days... If I could only choose, tomorrow, when I'll wake up, it would be 8 AM, early for someone who went to bed at almost 3, but I will wake up to go to set. Drive my car from a not glamourous inner city of L.A to a cool studio in Hollywood and start what will become the brand new hit serie, staring Nano and I.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe I could chose bringing myself what I really want?!

Good night. Sorry for the messy post.
It's 2:43AM. I'm going to sleep. I hope.

Mucho amor
xxx
—J

Somebody that I used to know... —J.

Crazy song by Gotye. I love this song, it's so peaceful and at the same time full of meaning. Today I chose this song because of the title more than because of the main lyrics that are more about a relationship. I just gonna say some things I'm not really happy about those times... You know, like when you feel someone you love going a little bit further everytime... Just like that.

So those time, I feel like my best friend (not Nano, the other one I already talk about once) is changing a little. I love her. She's cool and fun. But since a while I feel like she's becoming really superficial. And I guess I already said before, it's because of a guy she met last year whe  she repeated class. They became friends. But even if this guy seems nice, he is so superficial. He only cares about appearances, about showing what he has. He told my friend that if she hadn't been good looking and rich, he would probably not be her friend. And I ask her, she told me that if he wasn't cute, well dressed and rich, she won't be his friend either. WHAT IS THAT? Since when friendship is about bank accounts and what's in you wardrobe? I mean I never heard something that stupid. That kiddish. That insane. Only jerks can think like this. I don't care if my friend has a spot, a top that is not "fashion" (and guys, fashion means nothing, you can wear "fashion" things, but if you haven't a style, a personnality, if you're not someone, you could dress Dior and look like a dog). A friend is about sharing, giving and receiving, but not material things, it's all about experiences, life and love. Does it mean that the poor can't have friends because he wears old clothes? It's stupid and totally unchic.
That's why I use to think that "poor" people have more values than riches.
My best friend has money... But I don't think she has great values. For her, family means nothing. I'm sorry, but if you have friends (plus, if they are like the guy she sees) and no family, you're really poor. A Life without family is uncomplete. And a life without friend is uncomplete too. You need both. But don't make a choice. Learn to keep both and you'll be happy. 

Lately, she told me "my neighbour is sad, poor him, he can't buy expansive clothes because he's growing up too fast. What a pity". Poor him because he is growing up too fast or because he thinks that expansive clothes mean that you're better dressed than others? If it's the second, yes poor him, because he is becoming someone really stupid. Seriously! I can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I'm so mad when I hear those kind of stupidities!
And then when they see a hobo in the street it's : or they say "ooohh poor him" or they turn their heads. I can understand, it's hard to face misery when you can spend €70 in a teeshirt made in china that you could have buy 15 in a "normal" store (that you refuse to visit because it is soooooo cheap, jerk!). I can't even face misery myself because sometime, I feel giulty when I have bought a 15euros tee shirt, or a 5euros ring.
I'm sorry, but I can't help myself. I can't bear superficial people. And I love my best friend, but she is becoming more and more like this! Yesterday it was because of her hair. She doesn't want to be called the brown haired girl" (her hair is brown really really clear... almost dark blond) she want to be called "the blond girl", so she has to change her hair color (OMG!!!! What a drama to be called brown haired when you actually have brown hair!). And that's all because the guy who has a bad bad influence on her said that he loved blonds....
The worst : they are travelling the only two of them by the end of the year. They're not dating, but she is in love with him, so she accepted to dump her usually beloving friends to spend New year Eve with him. We will all agree when you celebrate new year, you can't do it with just one another person. She dumped everyone to be with him.
Anyways, I'm sorry I so mad at her. She has a sweet life, has anything she wants to be happy, and she is becoming a so superficial girl. I love her, I don't want her to become the kind of person I hate.
She is obviously always complaining.
Anyways. I'm so mad I can't go on. Lately there is too much to say about things she is doing wrong. I'm not a perfect girl, I know it. But even if I changed, I'll always respect the things my parents learn me : what matters is what's within ; money don't bring good (and I learn by myself that it brings stupidity) ; love your family and friends ; never forget from where you come.
And I guess everyone should remember that, anytime of the day, and more when they meet people. You can't chose your family, but you do chose your friends, so chose them well, and not by their money of the brands they are wearing, but about what they have to learn to you, what they will bring you in the way of seeing things. Don't let them change you if it's not to become better. 

I'm sorry. I just had to free myself. I'm not totally done. But it's enough for today.

Honey, I'm sorry for what I said, I'm just affraid you're escaping me, you're changing for bad. Trust me and care your relations... Love you.

Thanks if you read.
Mucho amor. 

-J.

Beautiful Christmas — J. (English and Spanish)

 ► PLAY

English:

Beautiful Christmas, one of my favorite song by Big Time Rush. I don't wait Christmas Advent to listen to this song! I love Christmas spirit and this song make me feel so great and so happy. It's like my D vitamine cure. Play it during the post, I'm sure you'll feel it too!

I had to write a mini-post about Christmas, one of my favorite time of the year. Not because of the gifts. For me Christmas is the moment when you receive your family in a lovely decorated house. Everything's red, green, gold and white. The moment when everything looks pretty and almost perfect. Kids are quiet and impatient, they wait innocently for Santa. Christmas is the period when you can enjoy to do stuffs that you usually don't like. You're happy. You smile. You wanna give people something, not material, something true. A smile. Help. You just feel good and you wish everyone could feel like you. Even if it's cold, Christmas makes us think it worth it. Once you're nice with someone, this person will want to give back, and if it happens, the while world is great, happy, and beautiful. Christmas is also the moment you think everything is possible (like what I said before, about the whole world happy), because Christmas has this magical thing you can't explain.
Anyways, Christmas is a lovely time. The preparation of the house, the Christmas beautiful tree, the lights, the big sweater and socks...
Everything beautiful and magic.
I wish you guys an awesome Christmas!
Tons of kisses, lovelies.

Español :

Beautiful Christmas, una de mis canciones preferidas de Big Time Rush. ¡No espero Navidad para escucharla! Adoro el espiritú Navideño y esta canción me hace sentir bien y feliz. Es un poco como una cura de vitamina D. Escuchala mientras lees el post, ¡estoy segura de que también lo iras sintiendo!

Tenía que escribir un mini-post sobre Navidad, uno de mis momentos preferidos del año. No por causa de los regalitos. Para mi, Navidad es el momento en el que recibes tu familía en una casita bien decorada.  Todo esta rojom verde, dorado y blanco. El momento en el qué todo está precioso y casi perfecto. Los niños son calmos e impacientes, esperan inocentes al Papa Noel. Navidad es el periodo en el cual puedes disfrutar hacer cosas que sueles no gustar. Estas feliz. Sonries. Quieres dar algo a la gente, no algo material, algo de verdad. Una sonrisa. Ayuda. Te sientes bien y deseas que toda la gente se sienta como tú te sientes. Aunque haga frío, Navidad te hace pensar que se lo merece todo. Una vez que fuiste simpatic@ con alguien, esta persona tendrá ganas de darle otra vez, y si ocurre, el mundo entero se queda bien, feliz y precioso. Navidad tambien es el momento cuando piensas que todo es posible (como lo que dije justo antes, sobre el mundo entero feliz), porque Navidad tiene esta cosa magica que no puedes explicar.
En fin, Navidad es un momento divino. La preparación de la casa, el magnifico arból Navideño, las lucecitas, las enormes sudaderas y medias...
Todo precioso y magico.
¡Os deseo a tod@s unas hermosas fiestas Navideñas!
Muchisimos besos, bonitos.
Moltíssims petons, bonics.