Everytime is a song by Britney Spears. I have this song stuck in my head since this morning, when I heard it in Spring Breakers... The song is beautiful but doesn't really fit with what I'll be talking about... Anyways!
Yes, it has been a very (very) long time! I'm just so full of feelings right now, I have to let'em outta me tonight...
Let's begin with that :
This morning I went with my girl (Nano !! ♥) to the movies to see Spring Breakers! The movies wasn't good. But it wasn't bad. It's just about being wild and watching 4 girls doing the things you would probably never dare to do. I like this kind of movie just because it makes you forget about yourself and just leave you in someone else's body, someone cooler, wilder and way more free. It also really made me wanna take some days off, see the sun, the beach, meet people...Summer time, to say it fully.
I don't know if it's the overdose of freedom the girls have in the movie that made me think about it, but I feel stuck those days... Like I can't really be who I wanna be because they keep me away from my real me. By they I mean my parents, obviously. Parents want you to be safe, healthy and out of troubles, that's probably why my parents, and more my father looks at me with angry eyes when I speak about going out. Ok. But now I grown, I know what I do, what I'm up to, or not. I can make my own decisions. He doesn't understand that I need to express myself, that my expression passes by going out by night, by day, by leaving this house and living experiences. I'm angry because he is up for me to take everykind of professional experiences : I get a job, I'm working and earning some money. But when it comes to going out, the experience is not well seen. FUCK, understood?!
Lately, I've met a guy... He wants more than a friendship, I don't really know what I am up to for now. I'm avoiding the moment to see him. But honestly, I don't know if I am avoiding him more about me and my dubts or more about my parents that will freak out to imagine what sort of things I'll be doing with him. And I'm going to be 20 in 5 months... 20!
I've always felt misfit in my family, just as if they didn't have been the people who raised me. I am so different from them! I think, act and live differently. I don't wanna have their life. I don't wanna have regrets for missing good stuffs. I already have regrets and I'm only 19 !
There are things I wanna scream, people I'd like to shoot for saying things about the others without seeing that they do way worse. I don't wanna complain more or I'll do what I've said. If only I could have balls to say the things I want to say... You know, being to sympathetic isn't good. I'm always worried, I don't wanna hurt people... But acting like this I do preserve them from pain, but I keep all in myself. That's awful.
I'll try to change, and try to say things when they are meant to be said out loud. I don't wanna be a coward. I wanna be happy. We all should be happy! :)
Have a great afternoon!
Mucho amore,
xxx
—J.
